Pecos Joe’s Birth Story!

Birth story of Pecos Joe! 

For about 2 weeks I felt like I was leaking fluid. My waters gushed with Caleb and leaked with Dax, then gushed when we got to the hospital. This whole just leaking thing was driving me crazy because I was never sure if it was water leaking or me peeing my pants. At 36 weeks my AFI was 12, which is normal, so I tried not to think about the leaking even though I was dilated to a 4 already. At 37 weeks, I was dilated to a 5 and my AFI had dropped from a 12 to a 7. I was sent straight from my MFM to the hospital (that was on Thursday 12/27). 

As I walked over to triage, I couldn’t get ahold of Casey on either of his phones. I was in a panic and needed him to calm me down. Luckily, a friend he works with answered my call and he tracked Case down!! My MFM told me I would most likely be admitted and I wanted my husband there. However when I got to triage they told me a different story so I told Casey to wait to take off work until we knew what was happening. 

During triage, they tested me to see if my fluid was leaking and told me that all test were negative. They determined that I had a high leak and that is why my AFI dropped from a 12 to a 7 in just a week. They said I was okay, baby is okay and I could go home. I was sent home dilated to a 5 with a high leak... and had so many unsure feelings about being sent home! I was nervous that I would get home and not make it back to the hospital in time for an epidural. 

I got home around 6pm Thursday night, we had dinner, picked up some stuff at Home Depot, stopped for milkshakes at Sonic and went to bed by 10pm. I was woken up at 2:34am with some mild contractions that were 5-6 minutes apart. Triage told me to come back once contractions were less than 5 minutes apart... so I decided to lay on the couch, watch a Hallmark Christmas movie and count contractions. Once I got up to move to the couch, I started leaking again. I knew I wasn’t peeing, so I decided to do the pooling test (laying down for 30-45 minutes, then stand up to see if waters come leak again). I did this a couple of times and went through 3 pair of undies. I kept telling myself I would wait for Casey to wake up for work at 6am and then tell him to see if he thought we should go back to triage or not. 

At 5:15am, I was walking back to our bedroom (for some dry undies) and a huge gush of waters fell on my kitchen tile. It stopped me in my tracks... then I started walking again and another big gush came out. I finally made it to the bedroom, leaking the whole way, and woke Casey up to tell him we needed to get to the hospital because my water broke!! 

I stood in my kitchen, naked from the waist down while standing on a towel while Casey got dressed, got Dax up and got him dressed and then we headed to my mother in laws to drop Dax off. (Caleb was at his dads house).

We made it to the hospital around 7am, which was shift change, so it took a while for us to be seen. When the doctor finally came in, they tested me again to see if it was my water breaking and told me the test was negative AGAIN!!! I was super annoyed!!! I know for a fact my water broke! They checked me and I was dilated to a 6. The doctor said “I am not sure if we are going to admit you or not, let me go talk to your doctors office and we will figure out a plan.” 

I was PISSED!!! I am dilated to a 6. Contracting every 5 minutes. And my water broke but they didn’t believe me!! Finally at 9am they decided to admit me. I was wheeled to labor and delivery and around 9:30am the on call doctor came in to break my water and start pitocin. When she went to beak my water, she said “oh wow, there isn’t anything to break.” 

UMM YEAH BECAUSE I ALREADY TOLD YOU, MY WATER BROKE AT HOME!!! 

I decided at 10:30am to get my epidural, the nurse checked me and told me I was dilated to a 7. I had told my friends and family (and photographer) that it would be late afternoon/early dinner time and to not rush to get to the hospital. After the nurse checked me when I got the epidural, she said I needed to call everyone back because this baby would be here by noon! 

Boy was she right!! At 11:45ish she checked me again and I was a 10!! They called the doctor and I started pushing around noon. 

Pecos Joe Flowers joined the world at 12:12pm!!! 

Pecos' Nursery

What better way to get excited about a baby, no matter the gender, than decorating the nursery?! I love love love to decorate. I love the freedom I have to make a blank room into something from my dreams. It usually starts off with me pitching the idea to my husband (and family and friends) and them not being sure of my vision... but by the end, they are always on board and seeing my vision!!

Pecos' nursery was no different. I wanted BOLD colors. I decided on blue and green stripes and let my husband pick the shades. The green ended up being like Nickelodeon slime!! I was scared but excited because... B-O-L-D!! We were given a black armoire and I wanted to use it in the nursery so  that meant all the furniture would be black too. We bought the crib/changing table at Burlington Coat Factory and the rocking chair was from Caleb's nursery 9 years ago. The metal utility cart came from Ikea. 

The sign above the crib was modeled after something I found on Pinterest. I made it out of plywood that I painted white and trim that I painted black. The words are heat transfer vinyl. It is about 2.5 feet tall and 4 feet long. And yes, I am aware it says est. 201... we left off the last number because we are waiting to see if Pecos will be a 2018 baby or a 2019 baby! I will iron that last number on after he arrives. 

The side wall, where the black utility cart is on, was something I created in my head. First I wanted the arrows and then when they arrived I decided to paint them and realized that if they were on the wall alone they would look weird... so I decided to buy a HUGE letter P. Well the problem there was that I couldn't find a HUGE letter P. I found a smaller one that was white so I bought it and painted it black. The metal sign was something I found at Hobby Lobby and it was a God thing. I was literally in tears after seeing all the girl nursery stuff and then I turned the corner and there was that "You are Enough" sign. I could not not buy it! I started to put it all together and realized it was still missing something... SHELVES!!! I couldn't find any that I liked so Casey and I went to Home Depot and decided to create our own floating shelves that I could paint in the rooms colors. The perfect last touch was adding a little blue Indian head piece that my Gaga made for me MANY many MANY years ago. 

The Texas above the rocking chair is actually a cutting board I painted. I bought it off Amazon for like $10! I placed Pecos' name on it in 651 vinyl and put a dot where Pecos, Texas is located. The other wall by the rocking chair will be a cluster of picture frames... I am still looking for those though. 

The wall by the crib that is empty will be where I put a huge black picture frame that I am going to place a picture of Casey's grandpa (Pecos, who we are naming the baby after) holding baby Pecos. I plan on making a plaque under the frame  that says "Pecos & Pecos"

I am loving how it is all coming together!! Seriously it is better than I could have ever dreamed off and best part of it all... my family is finally seeing my vision and they are loving it too!! 

Next up, find a hospital door hanger I love and start working on creating it!!!

Happy 21 weeks to me!!! 

Gender Disappointment

It has been a while... that is kind of an understatement. To tell you the truth, I fell out of love with blogging. I started a new job and poured all of my passion into that. 

Fast forward, we are pregnant with our 3 child. That is what this blog is dedicated to. It is kind of a taboo topic that I think light needs to be shined on. I thought about where to post  this at and knew that this blog would be my outlet. I woke on Sunday July 15 at 5 am and couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to start blogging... and this is what came out. 

Edit - I am blown away at everyone who has reached out and shared their stories with me. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I remember being scared to share my story of miscarrying a few years ago and through that so many people opened up to let me know their stories... the same applies to this blog now, y'all have helped so much! 

(Edit Cont) - There have been a handful of very rude people and to those I say this... I hope and pray you never have to deal with any kind of disappointment or depression ever in life. If you do, I hope that you are able to open up about it and seek help without being judged. Why judge someone and their feelings, just because you don't understand? My hopes for my boys, all 3 of them, is for them to grow up in a house knowing it is okay to be disappointed because you don't always get exactly what you want... and that it is okay to seek help to learn how to deal with that disappointment because it is healthier than pushing it down and never dealing with it. So rude people, I will be praying for you! 

-------------------------- Gender Disappointment --------------------------

Gender Disappointment is real. Of course I wanted a daughter. Yes, I could have swore this was a little girl. Every symptom and every old wives tale pointed to girl. This pregnancy is 100% different than my pregnancies with the boys. Everyone around me said they thought it was a girl, even my husband. I let myself get over the top excited and I just knew the results would be pink! 

I was shocked, very sad and upset it was blue instead. For a brief moment in time I was sad that I was even pregnant again. It was a feeling I had and it was real. It faded quickly though because in the end I was excited to be pregnant and having another baby, but I was having a hard time learning how to cope with mourning a daughter I will never have. 

I always dreamed of my little girl, since I was a little girl. Those big brown eyes, that thick long brown hair (that she would hate me for having and despise the bows I put in it), that sassy funny little attitude. Being able to name her after my Gaga (middle name Mae)... that love from her brothers and her love for them. Her daddy ringing the doorbell to pick her up for the daddy daughter Valentine dance. Her coming home to tell me she is engaged and looking for a wedding dress. The day she tells me she is pregnant and the day I get to witness her becoming a mom. It was dreams I realized would never come to life now. 

We found out the gender on the 28th of June. I spent a lot of time in bed the following days just crying and praying that God would change it. Casey knew I needed time to process this information alone and he gave me my space. I have always been one who cries in my closet, counts to 10 (sometimes to 1 million) and then comes out to talk to him. He was happy with either gender and it hurt me to see him happy. I wanted him to be sad like I was, I wanted him to long for a daughter like I longed for one. Misery wanted company, go figure! 

The days passed and it became a little bit better to come to terms with. I finally broke down and talked to Casey and we decided that we would wait to announce the gender until we see it on a sonogram. It was the first day I didn’t cry... so that’s what we did. I reached out to a counselor to talk through my sadness and I even joined a gender disappointment support group... who even knew those existed?! Because I sure didn't. I will tell you though, it has been VERY helpful for me. Anytime I get sad or down, I turn to my group and I feel like I can express my feelings without judgment. 

In the next few days of waiting for the sonogram, I started trying to get excited and come to terms about having my 3rd boy. I mean my chances of the genetic test being wrong were 1-2%. I started by deleting all the girl stuff off my Pinterest board. I searched for a cute nursery idea I liked for a boy, and found one. I created an announcement. Anytime I went to the store, I would look/glance at the boy items. I would practice in the mirror telling people "its another boy"... which most days I would cry while saying it but as time went on, it got a little easier. 

Of course there were moments in each day my heart would break again... a friend would announce she was having a girl. I would see a cute outfit I would love to purchase for my daughter. Braiding the hair of my best friends daughter. The list could go on and on. But with each passing moment, the pain wasn’t as painful. 

Besides for the brief moment of not wanting to be pregnant (right after finding out), which passed quickly, I never was resentful towards this baby boy. I love him. I search for his heartbeat. I try and feel him kick. I pray for him. I talk to him. I shop for him. I started decorating his nursery. The feelings weren’t and aren't directed to him at all.... 

The feelings were directed towards the fact that I would never have a daughter. Just saying that breaks my heart... I know one day I will have daughter in laws and maybe I will be lucky and have granddaughters, but it’s not the same. Learning to mourn something you will never get, it is a hard thing to learn. Going through the steps of grief have helped but I can’t fully say I am 100% over it and whose to say I ever will be. 

I know people will judge me for this blog and I know people will think I just need to be happy with what God gave me... but gender disappointment is real and I want people who are dealing with it, to know that they are not alone. It is okay to feel your feelings. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry. It is just plain okay! Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t! 

Yes I know there are people who deal with infertility that would be happy with 3 boys... and for those people I would say if I could give you my fertility I would in a heartbeat, if I could. But what you need to understand, just like you long for a baby, I longed for a daughter. I would never dismiss your feelings, so please don’t dismiss mine. 

To end, I may never understand God’s perfect plan for my life as a boy mom but Caleb Scott, Dax Marshall and Pecos Joe I love you to the moon and I am happy God chose me to be your Momma! You boys are wild, crazy and everything I never knew I needed. 

***If you are suffering from gender disappointment, please reach out to someone. There are so many online support groups available to you.***

Another blog I read that has helped me a lot is this one... I urge you to check it out if you are struggling with GD or would like to understand GD better. 
https://www.sammichespsychmeds.com/blue-is-pretty-too-gender-disappointment-and-grief/

Goal Crusher!

In September I made a goal that I wanted to get as close as possible to 189.8 by October 1st that I could. Well, I didn't make it by October 1st.

I decided that I would make the same goal again for October. This time I came up with a reward for hitting my goal. I figured it would help me stay on track...

And it helped!!!

What did I do differently?

*Worked out everyday except Sundays - mainly lifting with some cardio here and there

*Did some 2 a days when I had the extra time

*Really focused on going up in weights when lifting

*Changed my cheat meal from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. It helped me stay on track over the weekend.

*Focused on drinking all my water and less diet cokes (still having my DC though)

*Started the No Off Season Challenge by Fit Like Flint!

This morning, Halloween, I hit 189.8!!!!!

My reward - I am going indoor skydiving on Thursday!!!! The 2 times Casey has gone, I was pregnant. Once with Isabelle when I took him for Father's Day and then with Dax when I took him and my niece for her birthday. I am SUPER excited to get in that tunnel and FLY!!!

My next goal - to fit back into these size 10 slacks comfortably!

When I hit this goal, my reward is going to be to buy a new outfit from OllieMarie!!!