I am at a loss for words

Haha, just kidding! I always have something to say, duh! 

But seriously... I am so humbled right now (crocodile tears fill my eyes as I am typing this). You guys and gals telling me how much I have changed your lives. Y'all telling me how proud y'all are of me. Asking me for help, encouragement, motivation, etc. Y'all supporting me, giving me encouragement and pushing me to be the best me possible...

It's all surreal to me! I started my journey for 1 little boy (my son). That was it. I didn't do it for myself. I didn't do it for my dating life. I didn't do it because of a doctor. It was all Caleb! And now to think, because of him I changed not only my life but have impacted so many of your lives!!! Wow!!! 

Today is my birthday and I can't help but just feel so blessed that God created me, made me for a purpose and 28 years later... I know what that purpose is!! 

Y'all, this is just the beginning!!! 

New York! New York!

I am so excited this week is finally here!

If you haven’t picked up on it yet, I am in LOVE with my birthday! But… I am also in LOVE with NEW YORK!!!

Thursday, I turn 28 years old and then step on a plane to head to NEW YORK with Brittany Bellair (Brittany Eats Clean on Facebook)!!!

Okay so wanna know exactly what Brittany and I will be doing in New York?!

We are going to be attending the NPC Stage Ready Workshop!!!

The workshop is going to cover all the women’s NPR/IFBB divisions and will also feature some of the top competitors in the world!

One of the people that will be featured will be the amazing India Paulino (the Bikini International Champ)!!!

I kinda stalk her on Instagram… yep, I am a stalker!

We are going to be learning about the training and nutrition that goes into prepping for a completion and then learn about actually competing!

I would LOVE one day even having half the courage to compete in a bikini competition!

My girl Brittany has been thinking about competing next year  - can’t wait to cheer her on!

Anyways…

I set my goals the 1^st of August and I said I wanted to be 164.4 by my birthday.

Welp, bad news… I don’t think I am going to make it.

However, I have worked my booty off and I am proud of where I am today (and where I will be on Thursday).

I will let you know how close I come to my birthday goal after I weigh in on Thursday.

Maybe a magic elf will come while I sleep Wednesday and steal a couple of pounds from me… hey a girl can dream can’t she?!

Out of your control

This blog post is for all the moms out there (if you are not a mom and you relate to this, which is great too)

I have 1 kid so 1^st and foremost, I give props to all your moms who have more than that!

I am responsible for a little human being who looks to me for EVERYTHING!!!!

I have been a single mom from the minute my son was born… I give even more props to the moms who have more than 1 kid and have been single moms.

Yes, being a single mom will end when Casey and I get married… however at the same time it won’t. I will always have to share custody with someone who I am not in love with, do not live with,  and do not have say in how they react or what they do.

Casey is not Caleb’s biological father, but he is going to be his step dad and he does a damn good job at that. Casey has only been doing this role for a couple of years less than I have, so he is still learning and there are times I really have to remind myself of that.

All that being said, sometimes my plate gets REALLY full of stuff I have no control over. I am usually REALLY good at dealing with this but then there are times that I just have a meltdown and can’t take it anymore.

I am not going to go into my meltdown because this post isn’t really about what caused it or what really happened.

This post is about how I reacted to it and what I am learning from my reaction.

Today during my meltdown (while crying to a friend) I realized everything I was telling her that caused my meltdown where things out of my control. They were put on my plate and I had no choice but to deal with them. I didn’t bring them on myself. I didn’t take on the extra stress. It wasn’t something I could just delegate to someone else. It was all stuff given to me for me to deal with.

I wiped my tears and went to the gym.

While on the elliptical, I realized something else.

(Back up, I didn’t want to go to the gym.

I wanted to throw a pity party for 1 and eat some cake! Damnit, I love me some cake!)

So, I went to the gym and got on the elliptical.

I had a “Oh My Gosh this is what God is trying to teach me” moment.

I realized that while I have no control over everything on put on my plate, I did have control over how I reacted to it.

I have control over either throwing myself the pity party or going to the gym.

I have control over getting to the gym and busting my butt.

I have control over how my pants will fit tomorrow.

I have control over the number on the scale.

I have control over how many calories I will burn while at the gym.

I have the control!

So many times in the past when my plate has been to full of un-controllable CRAP… I have given in and given up!

Then I am not just upset about the stuff on my plate, I am also upset about the choices I made with food and working out (or the lack thereof).

I think that is why I got so big. The cycle was never ending.

I had my meltdown.

I went to the gym.

I worked hard.

Now…

I feel SO much better!!!

Do you think I would feel this great as I do now, if I had a pity party with cake?

I don’t think so… actually I know I wouldn’t.

So… in conclusion…

When life throws you a curve ball that you can’t control… doing something for yourself that you do have control over.

Go to the gym and give it hell.

Trust me; you will feel 10 times better!!

I wish I could be that "FAT" again...

When I hit my all-time lowest weight a couple years back (164.4) I was wearing a size 10 (and actually they were falling off me) and guess what… I thought I was F-A-T!!! Like seriously, I would look in the mirror and pick out every single flaw on my body. I needed to lose weight in my stomach, I wanted my arm flab gone, and I wanted to tone up my legs more… I just didn’t want to be fat anymore!!!!

Fast forward to after my knee surgery…. I remember looking back at photos from my smallest weight and thinking “man I was skinny; I wish I could be that skinny again!” I would sit there and day dream about my cute clothes (that hung in my closet collecting dust) fitting me again. All this time, I kept stuffing my face and getting bigger. I was so depressed.

Finally I snapped out of it and decided I was going to get skinny again. I told 212 pound self that if I could just get down to 170’s I would be so happy and wouldn’t beat myself up anymore. I would know that I was skinny again and would be happy with who I saw in the mirror.

Well, here I am now back in the 170’s… looking in the mirror and thinking “Oh my gosh, I am so fat!” I pick about every flaw in my body. My arms are way to flabby and when I flex it looks horrible. If my kangaroo pouch would just disappear, I could go down a size in pants again. Man I wish I could run again so my thighs wouldn’t be so big.

HOLD THE BUS!!!!!

I am back down to 170’s. I am back in my size 10 pants. My cute clothes have been rescued and are no longer collecting dust. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! The 212 pound Jordan would probably b**tch slap me right now for even thinking half that crap!!!

We need to stop letting the media tell us what we should look like. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves and be thankful for how wonderfully made our bodies are (they were made perfect in His eyes). We need to take a deep breath and stop putting ourselves down and instead give ourselves compliments. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others.

It’s time we not only take control of changing our bodies but also to take control of changing our minds!!!!