This morning I was driving into work and the song “Try” by Colbie
Caillat came on. I listened to it and then half ways through decided I need to
listen to it again, but this time really pay attention to the words. It wasn’t my
first time to hear it, actually I own the song on my iPod, but today it really
struck a chord with me. I went straight to my office and started this blog… I
needed to get it off my chest and on to “paper” before my thoughts got lost in
my busy hectic life.
I am working on losing my weight for a third time. Yep,
third time. The 1st time I lost it; I injured myself and had to have
reconstructive knee surgery, had to learn to walk again and dealt with a lot of
depression. The 2nd time I lost it, I got pregnant, miscarried,
dealt with tons of depression and then got pregnant with Dax and felt scared to
death the whole 9 months that something bad would happen. I tend to eat my
feelings and when depression is involved, I eat double. It is a huge struggle I
hope one day I never have to deal with again… but if I do I hope that I am able
to find a place to turn to that isn’t food.
Anyways, back to the song. The song talks about not having
to try so hard to fit in. The first time I lost my weight, I have to admit, I
was losing it to fit in. I was losing it to find a guy. I was losing it because
I felt left behind. You see, my best friend and my big sister had both lost
tons of weight (while I was pregnant with Caleb) and I felt left out. I wanted
to fit in with them, I wanted to fit in their clothes, and I wanted to fit in
to the “skinny” circle. I also wanted to fit in with the other healthy mom’s. I
didn’t want Caleb to be embarrassed of me. I wanted to be the cool skinny mom.
It was all about fitting in.
When I lost it the 2nd time, it centered on
fitting into my wedding dress. I had a picture of what I wanted to look like on
my wedding day and being overweight was not an option. I didn’t do it to fit
into a certain crowd or to get a boy to like me (I had Casey and he loved me no
matter my weight)… no I did it to fit into the “perfect” wedding look. You want
to know something funny? On my wedding day, I was in the worst mood. I felt so
fat and so ugly and was disappointed in myself for not losing more weight. I
hate looking back at that day and remembering those feelings… especially since
when I look back at pictures, I was SO thin!!! I looked AWESOME… if only I
could have felt that way then.
This time I am losing it I am not trying to fit into any
mold. I am just trying to be healthy. I don’t care what someone thinks about my
journey, I don’t care if I fit into a model size dress, I don’t care about
fitting in at all… I just want to do me and do the best I can. I don’t know if
it is my age or the fact that I have done it the “wrong” way 2 times already…
but whatever it is, I have to admit that I like this way much better. I look at
myself in the mirror and think “Wow I look good” and I am bigger than I was on
my wedding. I take time to celebrate my small accomplishments and lift myself
up instead of telling myself I can do more and I am not good enough.
I don’t feel like I have to TRY to fit in anymore, I am
doing me and if you like it great… if you don’t, well close the browser because
I am not doing this for you… it is all for me!
Don’t ever feel like you aren’t good enough. Like the song
says, you have to ask yourself when you are all alone… do YOU like YOU just the
way you are? If the answer is yes then keep doing you. If the answer is no,
then change it but only do it for yourself and remember to love yourself during
the journey!
Okay, stepping off my soap box now. I hope you all have a fantastic
Monday!!! Much love…
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