A little of this... a little of that!

Before I get into my rant today, I want to talk about 2 of my favorite people in the world... Caleb Scott and Dax Marshall!!!

Caleb struggles with reading, writing and numbers. It has been a very hard road to teach him how to read, how to write and how to write his letters and numbers the correct way and in the correct order. I have shed MANY tears over this. I have called his teacher bawling my eyes out because I don't know what else to do (his teacher is heaven sent by the way, I love her). I have bought all the books that have been recommended. I have bought posters for the play room (you can kind of see it in the picture above). We talk about learning every chance we get. I have the apps for him to play on. I seriously didn't know what else to do. I remember one night after he started school I thought it would be easy for us to start with smaller words like "a" and "of" instead of doing the bigger words like "the" and "that". I sat down and asked him to spell the word "a" and write it three times. I figured it would be SO easy. I was wrong...We sat there for an hour and 15 minutes. I am not even kidding! He was struggling SO much on how to spell the word "A"... He didn't understand that it is just the letter a... I didn't understand how he didn't understand that. We both left the table in TEARS!!!!

Long story short... last night while I was cooking dinner he said "I am going to write a story can you tell me how to spell the words." He loves to write stories and draw pictures with them. I usually spell the words for him but last night I was going 90 to nothing and didn't have the time or patience to help him. I told him to sound out the word and write it like he thinks it sounds. He brought me the book when he was done and I about lost it... I picked him up and hugged him so tight. My first instinct was to ask him if he had copied the words from something but I looked around and there was nothing that said Batman or Joker on it. He sounded out each letter and wrote it down as he went. Yes, his J is backwards but he spelled 2 words without me helping him!!!!! I am SUCH a proud momma and look at that prideful smile he has on his face... LOVE!!!!!

 

I mean isn't he the cutest baby ever?! He has been obsessed with this dang baseball. Casey has been teaching him how to throw it and they sit on the floor and play catch. He wont play with me, only with Casey. Father son bonding time I guess! He is teething, actually his bottom left tooth came in while we were on vacation and Casey just text me and told me his top 2 front teeth broke through this morning!!! Oh sweet baby boy...

Now onto some fitness related stuff...

 

I took this picture May 4, 2014... A couple weeks before finding out I was pregnant with our angel baby. I had gained about 15-20 pounds back from our wedding and was sitting around 175-180 at this time. I maintained easily at that weight and I felt good about my body. I remember taking this picture and thinking... this is my goal body.  Sure, I loved being 160 on my wedding day but maintaining that weight was a lot of up keep and at that time in my life I didn't want to put in all that work. I wanted to maintain and live life... find a happy balance. I was doing great until I miscarried.

I kept looking back at this picture thinking "when I get back into this dress I will know I am skinny again..." It is like looking back at pictures of when you thought you were overweight only to think "man if I can be that size again I would be happy." I longed to be back into this dress and to be this size again. I have another dress (a green one shoulder dress) that is a bit smaller than this one and it is my ultimate big goal... but this is my "I know I can maintain" goal dress. Does that make sense?

 

Anyways... this dress has been starring me down from my closet and I have kept putting it off to try it on. I didn't want to get discouraged. This morning I decided to give it a try and just see where I was size wise. Oh my goodness, it fit!!! I did have to have Caleb help me zip it up in the back, but it wasn't snug and I was able to sit and still breathe. I was elated!!! I am still up about 15-20 pounds from where I was on May 4, 2014.. but it fits!!! My body is so different this time around with all the weight lifting, the macros and I guess from having a baby. Makes me wonder what this dress will look like on me when I am back down to 175-180 like I was when I first wore it 2 years ago. I cant wait to find out...

In the past 2 months, I have gone from a size 12 dress to a size 10 dress!! Here is to the next 2 months... If I can do this in just 2 months, imagine what you can do in the next 2 months!!!!

Vegas Baby!

Whew! That was a GREAT vacation for sure... Every year Casey and I take a "Mommy and Daddy" trip and it is helps us unwind and reconnect without having the hassles of the world around us 24/7. I look forward to our vacations every years since we started taking them. This is our 2nd anniversary trip, but our 4th solo (without kids) vacation.

Isn't he so cute reading my blog!!! I wish he wouldn't read it in front of me though, makes me feel awkward.

 

 This year we decided to hit up Vegas! I have already been but Casey hadn't and he really wanted to see what all the hype was about. The first night we decided to lay down and take a nap before dinner... we ended up sleeping through our alarms and sleeping 12 straight hours! We missed our entire first night of Vegas! Haha! Oops!!!

 

The next day I hit the gym and Casey went down stairs to start gambling! I decided that even though we were on vacation, I need to stay on track with my work outs... more now then ever, since we will be eating tons of food. I am proud to say I completed each of my LiveFit workouts!!!

 

 

We walked all over the strip... I mean ALL OVER IT!!! We finally decided to purchase bus passes and use them when we started to get tired, or when I got hangry and needed to eat... which happened a lot. We would be going non-stop and all of the sudden it would hit me. I am so use to eating every 3 hours and going 4-6 hours in between meals threw my body off.

 

My favorite part of the trip centered around this beautiful Frozen Hot Chocolate from Serendipity 3! Oh my gosh... it was AMAZING!!! I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not, but WOW!!! If you get one, make sure to add peanut butter... trust me on this one! I cant wait to hit up New York this summer and stop at the original location.

 

That evening Casey and I went down to Fremont Street (thanks to our wonderful bus passes) and had dinner and then zip lined over the sea of GREEN people (it was St. Paddy's Day)!!! We did the big zip line and I wont lie, I cried and moaned the entire way to the top. I am scared to death of heights, but I love the thrill of the experience... rock meet hard place. Once I was in place and ready to fly, I was okay. It was such a FUN experience and one I urge you to try if you are ever on Fremont!!

I hate taking tours of places. I am not a big history buff and I really don't care much to go and pay to hear about places when I can just Google it on my phone. Casey on the other hand LOVES tours and history... so since it is his anniversary too, I have agreed we will do one tour every trip and I promise not to b**ch too much... as long as he feeds me. This trip we chose to do the Hoover Dam... my favorite part was being able to straddle the Arizona and Nevada state line... and eating a Dam chicken wrap afterwards!!!

Our last night we bought tickets to see Blue Man Group. We really wanted to see Zumanity but all of the Cirque du Soleil were off that night for a charity event... bummer for us, but hopefully they were able to raise tons of money! Casey talked me into wearing my OllieMarieBoutique top as a dress. It isn't something I would wear on a daily basis but we were in Vegas so... I rocked it. I did feel a little self conscience but oh well, my lady parts didn't show so we were all good in the hood. Please note, I am 5'10... this top might be longer on other people... tall girls, not so much!

Blue Man Group turned out to be TONS of fun, even though those blue guys FREAK me out. I still have pieces of toilet paper in my purse... haha!!!

The plane ride back was VERY rough and left me sick to my stomach. I ended up throwing up when we went to get our bags. I went home and slept for a couple of hours and felt better. Thank goodness! I weighed myself this morning and was up 6 pounds exactly on the scale. I gain weight so easily... but I know its mostly water weight and will come off rather quickly. My goal is to be back to 193.6 or lower by the end of the week so I can start working on my next big goal of 189.9!!!

I hope you all had a GREAT Spring Break... it is ALMOST summer time!!!!!

Waiting on Vegas

A few hours stand between me and vacation!!! You guys, I am SO ready. Actually that is probably a huge understatement. I am more than SO ready. I NEED THIS NOW!!!!

Buying a house, moving, work, the boys, losing weight, everything has got me on edge and I need to take a chill pill and just spend some much needed time alone with my husband far far away from home!!!

Every year we take a Mommy & Daddy trip in March (for our anniversary) and a family trip in the summer. I love both trips but I think this one is my favorite. Working a different shift than Casey, I start really missing him. This trip lets us just have one on one time without any interruptions. We travel very well together... he is very spontaneous and I am a planner, so we even each other out. Plus on vacation we don't fight because we aren't at home and I am not getting annoyed with him leaving things where they don't go. Seriously that is our biggest fight we have. He is so scatterbrained.

Usually when we go on vacation, I am packed and ready to go a couple days in advance.... NOT THIS TIME!!! This past weekend was spent unpacking boxes in the house and the last thing I wanted to do was start packing stuff back up. Tonight is crunch time! I have to pack Dax's stuff and take it to my mother in laws house (she is watching him while we are gone and Caleb is going to his dads house). Then I have to start packing mine and Casey's stuff. I am only packing him because he is working tonight, otherwise he would be packing himself. We leave at 7:30 am to head to the airport so everything needs to be done tonight because I will only have a small window of time from my morning workout to when we need to leave and that will be spent getting the boys up, fed and out the door on time.

The fun part of packing for this trip is that all of my smaller clothes (before miscarriage and Dax) are starting to fit me again... it is kind of like having a whole new wardrobe. I am sure my closet will be destroyed by the time I am done packing but oh well, life goes on! I do still need to find something green to wear for Thursday. I bought a cute green headband but that's all I got so far. Maybe I will just wear that and hope I don't get pinched!

Yall, I am so ready to just hang out, eat, watch some shows, eat, spend time with my husband and EAT!!!!

Vegas... here we come!!!

Its okay to not be okay....

If you have followed my blog for a while, you will know that I have dealt with depression on a few different occasions. Today while I was driving into work a song came on and the first line was "its okay to not be okay..." and it really struck a chord in my heart. This is something I am learning this journey and really trying to apply it to my life on a daily basis.

The first time I lost weight, I did it mainly out of revenge towards a few guys AND for Caleb... it wasn't for myself and I only paid attention to the physical side of losing weight, I totally neglected the mental side of it. Then I blew my knee out and had to have reconstructive knee surgery. I fell into a deep dark pit of depression. I went from running all the time and constantly dropping weight, to being bed ridden and gaining weight like nobody's business. I felt defeated and I felt like a loser. I numbed the pain with food which in all reality was making me even more depressed because the food was causing me to gain the weight... but the food made me numb and I longed to be numb and not feel the hatred I had for myself. I kept denying that I was depressed and tried to fake it until I made it. I wasn't good at it at all. I had just started dating Casey and he could tell... if he could tell, you know it had to be bad. I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't take care of Caleb, and to be honest I didn't want to do either one. I was NOT about to admit to being weak because if I did, I knew it would all come crashing down... even though it already had crashed down and I was carrying it all around on my shoulders daily. It wasn't until Casey and I had a big fight and he decided he needed a break from our relationship, that I realized I needed to pull myself out of this and get my life back on track. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and I needed to start getting back to the life I use to have. I needed to love me again... I wasn't ready to love me again but I did manage to pull myself up enough to admit I had a problem and needed help. Luckily, the break between Casey and I didn't last forever and with his help, I was able to overcome the depression and over time, I was able to start feeling whole again. There wasn't one certain instance that I knew I was out of the depression stage, it was a lot of different little things... one day I stopped crying myself to sleep. One day I stopped numbing the pain with food. One day I decided to tell myself I love myself instead putting myself down... Over time it all added up.

 

I thought I had a control over it and that I wouldn't ever go through depression like that again. I was SO wrong. July 10th, 2014 happened and everything came crashing down again. Hearing the words "you've lost your baby" isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I think what hit me the most was the YOU HAVE... like it was my fault. I blamed myself. I started hating myself again. I cried myself to sleep. I put myself down. I turned to food to numb the pain. I was to blame and I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. I walked around the next few months in a daze. Every morning I would wake up from a horrible nightmare that never seemed to end, even though I was awake. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to workout. I didn't want to be Caleb's Mom. I didn't want to be Casey's wife. I didn't want to be Jordan. Cake made all of the pain go away so I turned to the sweet cart and would stock up on the sugar. I didn't want to feel anything other than a baby growing inside me. I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about, all I wanted in life. Becoming pregnant with Dax was what saved me from myself. It took 4 months of trying after the miscarriage to conceive Dax and those 4 months felt like a lifetime to me. I was ready to give up and stay in bed forever... then I saw those pink lines and I felt like I had something to live for again. My smile slowly started to come back and I slowly stopped hating myself for losing our baby (it comes and goes, still). Opening up and talking about my miscarriage really helped my depression not be as dark as it really could have been. I am thankful for great friends who related to me and let me know it was okay to be sad, it was okay to be upset, it was okay to be depressed.

 

I was a silly girl to think that I would never deal with depression again after the first time. Like it was a one time deal that would never come back to haunt me. I wasn't prepared for it the 2nd time and I think if I would have been prepared for it again (not for the miscarriage but for the reality that I am prone to depression) I think I might have been able to overcome it a little bit easier. This journey I am taking now with my weight loss is so much more than just losing weight. It is me learning how to deal with depression. It is me learning how to love myself no matter what. It is me learning to surround myself with people who love me not matter what. It is me building myself up instead of tearing myself down. It is me eating, moving, speaking and acting like I love myself.

I am not perfect. I have flaws and I have a lot of downs but for every time I fall down, I am learning to pick myself up. I am applying each of those lessons to my life and if I ever deal with depression again, which I probably will, I hope that I am able to apply these lesson to my life and help the dark time not last as long.

Weight loss is more than just a physical thing, it is VERY mental. The way we see ourselves, the way we talk about ourselves, the way we think about ourselves. If you don't get a hold on that, you can lose all the weight you want but the transformation will never be complete. This 3rd journey to lose this 100 pounds (plus) is the one that is going to change it all for me. I am learning how to deal with it mentally and not just physically. I am doing it for ME and for no one else.

*If you suffer from depression, please seek help. If its not from a doctor, please find someone in your life to talk to. I promise that it does get easier and it doesn't always have to be dark in your life. Once you start loving yourself and letting the light back in, things will start to turn around and you will be able to breathe again. I love you and want you to know that you are worth it and you deserve all the good in your life... never forget that! And mostly know that "Its okay to not be okay!"

Move Day is NEAR!!!

In the words of Caleb Scott... ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL THE NEW HOUSE!!!!

Tomorrow the movers come at 9am to pack up the rest of our house (mainly just the big items that I couldn't fit in my SUV... the beds, the couches, the kitchen table, etc) and by the time I get off work at lunch time, we will be living at the new house! I am stoked and so very excited. We still have SO much to do but knowing that I can work on the house while living there, instead of traveling back and forth between 2 houses, is heaven!!!

Even though this is move week, we still have so much normal going on. Yesterday I joined the kindergarten teachers up at Caleb's school and we threw his teacher a surprise wedding shower. She is getting married Saturday. Caleb was bummed he couldn't marry her so I thought maybe a little party would help cheer him up. I made all the boys in the class bow ties, made the girls veils and they each had a little rose to give to her. Then they took a group photo and gave her a frame that they all signed. One of the other teachers also had them fill out marriage advice... it was ADORABLE!!!

Since we are in the middle of the move, grocery shopping has been a little rough. We have been taking food back and forth between both houses and people (I wont mention any names but it rhymes with Pasey) have been eating food that they shouldn't be eating... so we have ran out of stuff faster than I thought we would. I usually only grocery shop on Fridays or Saturdays but last night I had to make a pit stop at the local grocery store to pick up a few things. I had been at the new house painting my craft room in hideous paint clothes and didn't notice what I looked like until half way through when I walked by a freezer door and caught my reflection... oh gosh! I am one of those people who can careless what others think about me so I decided to take a picture and have a laugh!

Oh and today is 4 years since Casey and my first date!!!! The date was a good one, we laughed, we talked a lot and we really clicked. When he dropped me off he didn't kiss me good night , instead he gave me a hug with a pat on the back and then said "See you on down the road..." I was really confused and thought that he didn't like me. But, here we are 4 years down the road!!!

Let me just say... Casey Joe, you are never allowed to shave your beard sir! #BabyFace

Switching Gyms

With moving, I knew I would eventually have to switch gyms. I was NOT happy about this at all. I love my gym so much but they don't have one close to my new house. I decided I would stay for a few more months and make the commute... at least until summer when Amber (my gym buddy) and I were finished with LiveFit. Yes, I loved my gym that much. Loved, past tense!

 

Then the ball started rolling on something that started out UH-MAZING and then would end in me quitting the gym a lot sooner than I ever anticipated. Its kind of a long story... sorry!

Friday February 12th while I was finishing up my cardio at the gym, I received a notification on Instagram (see below) I was intrigued, really excited and really flattered! Before I left to head home, I stopped by the front desk to make sure this person was legit and see what they thought about it all. The girl at the front desk (who I am friends with) confirmed it was a real person and they did in fact work there. I got to work a few hours later and was SO excited to give them a call...

 

When I called in and asked for the person, they patched me over to her and she took no time at all introducing herself and telling me about who she was and why she contacted me. She was very nice about it all and told me that I would be featured as the Member of the Month and also featured on a success wall she was creating. I was over the moon excited!!! Member of the Month received a front row parking spot and their picture up on the bulletin. I have wanted to be Member of the Month for as long as I could remember!!! The success wall was just an added plus for me.

 

 

She asked me to come in for an "interview" so she could get the ball rolling. When I went in, she told me right off the bat that I will not be Member of the Month but that I will be featured on the success wall still. I wont lie, I was CRUSHED! Don't tell someone one thing and then go back and change it! She said that Member of the Month is something other members nominate you for. She went on to talk about herself the entire "interview" and barley gave me time to talk about my journey... isn't that why you called me in, to talk about my journey? She handed me a form with questions on it and told me to fill it out and send it back to her and she will get the board started the first week of March.

I left with a bitter taste in my mouth and even told Casey I wasn't going to go along with it if I couldn't be Member of the Month. Yes I am a brat but I was REALLY excited to be Member of the Month after years of being a member there. He said for me to go ahead and do it and that he will vote for me in the Member of the Month box. A few of my other girlfriends who are members there also started to vote for me. Caleb even submitted one! I was so honored!! Maybe I will be Member of the Month after all.

 

(that's me working out on the treadmill)

 

Then Friday February 26th I received an email from this lady telling me to stop nominating myself for Member of the Month. That I will be on the success wall and that should be enough for me. First of all, I didn't nominate myself for Member of the Month and I can't help that my friends and family were doing it. And second, who are you to tell me that your success wall should be enough for me?  How rude! I text my gym buddy Amber and was so upset I was shaking. I sent her the email to see how she would react to it, maybe I was wearing my heart on my sleeves? Amber reacted the same way I did and so did Casey and Amber's husband (our husbands are so even keel so if they get upset about something, it is worth getting upset about). Amber decided to write in an email and tell them she was putting in for me to be Member of the Month and that she knew other people putting in for me as well and for them not to accuse me without having their facts straight.

 

The reply was what really blew me away... the lady replied to Amber and said for me to be happy I am going to be featured on the success wall and that for me to basically chill out because SHE was going to make me a superstar. Ummm hold the bus!!! No one and I mean NO ONE will ever take credit for MY hard work and MY dedication! I have made myself a superstar (not that I consider myself a superstar at all by any means)! The email back to Amber was all about her and how she was fighting to tell my story and how she wanted to do this and how she wanted to do that. It was really the cherry on the cake for me.

 

I took the weekend to really think about it all, to calm down and figure out what I really wanted to do.

Monday February 29th, I decided to cancel my families membership. It was a hard decision but I wasn't going to make a long commute to a gym that lied to me, accused me of doing something I didn't do and then try and take credit for MY hard work!!! I have my membership until the end of the month but since we are moving this Friday, I have decided that this will be my last week at that gym. Amber even gave her notice and will be switching to same gym as me, but a different location (bummer).

 

Saturday I plan on hitting the gym close to my house and signing up for a membership.  

 

This Past Week

Maintaining is something I struggle with, obviously... This is my third time to lose this weight! Haha! 

A week ago I hit 199.4!! I was over the moon excited but I was also over the moon stressed out and I needed a break from everything. Last Sunday we went out to eat and spent the day not caring about really anything (see my blog HERE). 

Tuesday, Casey and I celebrated 2 years of marriage by going out to eat at Reunion Tower in Dallas, Texas. Let's just say I didn't count macros or calories much that day and I made sure I licked the plate clean!! For as much as we spent, I wanted to make sure we ate every single last crumb that was served to us. Ha!!! We also enjoyed a few cocktails. I hardly ever drink, like to the point that Casey and I had a conversation at dinner about trying to remember the last time I did have a drink... I rather eat my calories than drink them.

AND... I stopped cardio this week. Insert shocked face here... I started Jamie Eason's LiveFit and for the first 4 weeks there is zero cardio. Lift lift and more lifting!! I have been trying to go heavier with each workout and my goal is to up my weight each week. Momma wants muscle!! But on the flip side, when I don't do cardio, the scale hardly ever moves. 

With last Sunday's binge meal, Tuesday's anniversary dinner and no cardio all week long... Oh and it was the time of the month... I was scared to step on the scale. I stepped on it Wednesday morning and was back up to 203.0!! I wasn't happy! 

I pushed on and got back on track with my macros and made sure to follow JELF hardcore. All of that and being in the middle of a move (been busting my booty getting the house ready to move in, packing the old house and moving), I am happy to say I am back down, plus a few more ounces gone!!

Sunday to Sunday I lost 0.2 pounds! Which is way better than a gain I thought I was going to have after stepping on the scale Wednesday.

This week was one of my first weeks in a very long time to not lose big (at least 1.5 pounds or more). It was a bummer for sure BUT I am so proud of myself for maintaining the loss and not being up on the scale after the week ended!! 

Here is to a hardcore week coming up!! I don't have any cheats scheduled this week (actually I don't plan on having another cheat until we get to Vegas on the 16th), we officially move into our house on Friday (the movers come Friday morning to move all of our big items) and it will be my last week at my gym (I'll blog about that later this week)!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday... if you need me, I will be moving more "crap" and working on the new house. 

Friday Ramblings

You guys... we move in ONE WEEK!!!! I am so excited and so ready to spend the night together in our new house. It is happening on a Friday that Caleb doesn't go to his Dad's and Casey will be home... so we will all be staying the first night together! I am stoked!! Then the next day I will wake up and start unpacking and getting the house together. I might have been a little ambitious and offered to host Easter lunch this year. Easter is early this year... March 27th. I should be able to get the house ready by then!!!

This is the master bedroom wall that we will put up bed up against.... its so close to being done!!! We just need to finish this, paint our trims around the front and back doors, paint our tile in our shower and do some touch ups here and there and we are DONE... 7 days and counting!

Lets talk about Caleb for a bit... its one of my favorite subjects! He has been doing so good in Kindergarten. He did hit a rough patch with his behavior earlier in January but we snipped that in the bud really quickly and he is back to his sweet self. He also has been struggling with reading and writing but it seems to be getting easier and easier. He is addicted to writing "How To" stories right now... his last was "How To Say I Love You!"

Last night was Open House and we were able to go up and see his work. He was very nervous that we weren't going to like his writings but I was very impressed. We made sure to praise him the whole walk home to help build up his confidence. When we got back home, he started another story. I am so proud of our little guy! Today at school the kids were able to pick a country and dress up. Caleb chose Germany because my sister and brother in law were stationed over there for a few years and my oldest niece, Madalynn, was born there. He practiced saying "No" and "I Love You" all week long. He even asked me to look up videos on how to say his name in German.

While packing for the move, I found ALL of these towels. They have slowly been piling up from my trips to all the different gyms I have belonged to over the years. I don't mean to take them home but I guess I do more than I like to admit. Haha! I do try and take them back when I remember but these are so raggy and worn out now that its not worth it. Instead I use them as hair towels. You see what happens is, I don't sweat that much so I grab a towel, stick it in my gym bag (you know just in case I need it), I end up not needing it and I head home. Please tell me I am not the only one that does this...

Not sure if I really announced it or not, but I am currently doing the SkinnyMeg Spring Challenge. I like it because it gives us little task to do each day, something I usually wouldn't think about doing... like yesterdays was yoga! Yes, I have done yoga before and it does help... but its just not for me. I don't have the patience for how slow it is and I rather do cardio or lift. But since it was on the challenge list, I had to do it.

 

 

Welp, that's all I got for today! I hope you have a wonderful fantastic Friday!!!

 

You Are Enough

Over the past few weeks/month I have had about 10+ people tell me how lucky I am to have the life I have. They have told me that they are jealous of how perfect my life is and how easy it seems to be going.

I am here to tell you... I am NOT perfect and my life is NOT easy. I am, however, very lucky to have the life I have... but I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. Nothing in life worth having comes easy or free and I have learned this lesson the hard way.

With my weight loss... yes, I am great at setting my mind to achieving something and then achieving it. I wish I could bottle my motivation up and give it to all of you. BUT losing my weight hasn't come easy to me at all. I have had so many downs along with each of my ups. I struggle to lose the weight and I have to be 100% on top of the gym and my food to achieve the goals I have achieved. The minute I start slacking so does my weight loss. I get up at 4:30 am to bust my booty in the gym every day. I prep my menus in advance and prep my foods in advance so it makes each meal a little bit easier for me. I sometimes miss out on going out with friends and family, mostly because people wont invite me because they know I am on a strict diet. If I do get invited and go, I bring my own food. It is HARD and nothing is easy about it at all... but it has to be done!

My house... We are in the middle of remodeling a house we bought 2 months ago and it has been a BIG chore. What you see on Facebook and Instagram (#CJFlowersHouse) is all of the fun pictures of each project as we do it and complete it. What you don't see is that we were turned down to even rent a house a few years ago due to our credit. We had to work on our getting  our credit scores up by writing letters to credit bureaus and pay a lot of things off for our scores to go up. It took a few years and mine is still not where it needs to be but Casey's was there so he bought us that house. You also don't see the stress I am carrying around on my shoulders because having 2 kids and working a different shift as your husband WHILE doing a remodel is insane! We have to find sitters and arrange our schedules, miss out on events and family time so we can get the work done before we move in (next week, eek). Don't even get me started on the money aspect of it all... doing this is not cheap. And on top of it, in March we had to pay our first mortgage payment AND our last rent payment. Not fun at all, but we saved for it and cut back on things in our life so we could have a savings for a rainy day.

My family... Gosh, I love my three guys so much and I am very blessed with them. I thank God everyday for the life he has given the four of us. But trust me... we are NOT perfect! Casey and I fight, we bicker, we don't see eye to eye, we hold grudges, and everything else a normal couple does. I just don't share that stuff with the world because what happens in mine and Casey's relationship is between Casey and myself... no one else! We work different shifts and hardly get to see each other during the week. We are basically two ships passing in the night,... but we pass early afternoon. Thursday's and Friday's are his days off so those are my days to soak up as much husband and wife time with him. Every other Friday Caleb goes to his Dad's and Casey and I plan a date night (we find a sitter for Dax). We have to schedule time together or life gets in the way and we miss our opportunities which has happened more times than I would like to admit. As for the boys... trust me, I am NOT a perfect mom. I yell, I hulk out (like Caleb likes to say), I get frustrated, I cry in my closet (away from the boys), I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have kids, I give them soda and junk food because it is easy sometimes... and the list could go on and on. One thing that I do know that I am doing right, is that there has not been a day that I don't hug, kiss and tell my boys that I love them. If I teach them anything in life, I want them to know that no matter what was going on, I love  them more than they will ever know. And don't even get me started on baby Isabelle... that was NOT perfect, was NOT easy and nothing to be jealous about at all.

My vacations... Yes, we take a lot of vacations and I hope that never ever changes. Traveling is something that Casey and I both loved to do and we are on a mission to visit every state together. How do we do this? Well I will tell you that it isn't easy and it isn't a spur of the moment thing at all. I start 6 months in advance, looking into flights, hotels, getting a budget together. We start cutting back on things in our life that we can do without. I sell stuff we don't use and save the money. I find deals and packages we can do payment plans on. A lot of time and research goes into each of our trips, nothing is ever... "hey lets go on vacation tomorrow". It does get stressful but when we start the vacation it is very worth it. Like for instance for Vegas (we leave on the 16th) we saved and bought our flights 4 months, the hotel we are staying at is on the strip but is a cheaper one and I did a LOT of research trying to find the best deal. For shows and things to do, we downloaded an app on our phones called "Vegas Slots" and have been playing to earn gold tokens which we can exchange for discounted tickets and much more. They also have discounted hotel rates BUT the time we are going didn't fall inline with the discounts for hotels... boo! None of our vacations are easy and it takes a lot of work and savings months in advance but they are fun and worth it when we are there!

I think with social media it is so easy to get caught up in seeing how "perfect" someone's life looks. No one is going to show you the ugly, it will make them look bad. I understand, I guess I do the same thing since I have been told that people are jealous of my life. Please, don't be... I have the ugly too, I just don't always post it.

I have to constantly remind myself daily that I am enough. That what I have to offer to my friends, family, co-workers, followers, etc. that it is enough. That I can only do what I am capable of doing and anything else that people expect of me, that is on them, not on me. I am perfectly perfect in God's eyes only and his forgiveness is what pulls me through each day.

Repeat after me... I AM ENOUGH!!!

Two Years and Counting....

Casey Joe, Happy 2 Year Wedding Anniversary!!!

Dear Casey,

Wow, this past year has been one to really celebrate and remember. It started with us on vacation in Hollywood, which I think we can both agree was fun but we probably will never go back...Doesn't it feel like years have gone by since that trip, in a good way?

This past year, I loved being able to see you spend one on one time with Caleb the months leading up to Dax being born. The bond you guys have created has been such a sweet thing that I love very much. The way he looks up to you and even asked you to only call him your real son and not your step son, it melts my heart. Thank you for continuing to love him like he is your own... you are the best guy for the job of being his step Dad.

Speaking of Dax... WOW, I have to say this is my favorite adventure we did our 2nd year of marriage!!! I know I wasn't the easiest person to deal with when I was pregnant. I was moody, emotional, a nervous wreck, bitchy, wouldn't stop crying or complaining, and so much more. Thank you for loving me through each day of pregnancy. Having you around this pregnancy (as opposed to being single when I was pregnant with Caleb) was such a blessing and joy. You made my life easier and so much more cheerful (well, 9 out of 10 times you did... sometimes you really just drove me up the effing wall). I love watching you get ancy the closer and closer we arrived to the due date. Then the day came that he decided he wanted to be born and I remember trying to just stay focused on you and your face. I wanted to remember what your face looked like the exact minute our son was born. That smile was even better than the smile you gave me on our wedding day, it is a smile I will never forget. You knew exactly what to do and you have been so hands on since day one. You (try) to never skip a beat and  you are always there when I need you. And you take the night shift... if I don't love you for anything else, I love you for that!!! Thank you for letting me sleep all night long since day one. You deserve a trophy for that!!!

You are my biggest cheerleader, regardless of what I am doing. When I decided to take on a project and volunteer you without your knowledge, you are always game for whatever it is. You trust my creative mind even when you think it is a bit whacky. You support me through my weight loss, reminding me to go to the gym, not tempting me with fast food or going out to eat, and you make sure that I know you love me no matter my size. Thank you for always being there for me to lean on, I really don't know if I could accomplish all I do if you were there to support me and cheer me on.

This year hasn't been all roses and perfection, we actually had the biggest fight we have ever had in the past 4 years of being together. Without going into details, I am so happy that we were able to sit down and really work that out. I really believe that going to marriage counseling for a year before we were married, helped give us the tools to communicate and work through that fight instead of giving up and leaving. Even if you did break the F to my wreath... haha! I love you!

Oh and don't forget, this year was the year we got a dog. HAHAHA! Yeah I know, it didn't last long. Maybe it would have lasted longer if he liked chewing your stuff up instead of mine... but he had to go after he chewed up my favorite pair of shoes your mom bought me! Regardless of how long we had him, we had him and now you can never say that we have never had a dog together.

Lastly, thank you for buying us a house!!! We are homeowners!! Oh btw, I just paid our first mortgage payment. The house has been a stress that we have carried for awhile but we worked together on our credit scores and finally we were able to bit the bullet and purchase our own house!! Don't even get me started on the stress of getting the house ready to move in. I promise you, I will never make you paint trim and baseboards ever again.... now painting rooms and building stuff, I cant make those promises, but I do promise it will be a while before I want to do it again!!! I cant wait to move into our house in a few weeks and start making new memories together as a family.

To end this letter, Casey Joe Flowers I love you so much. You annoy me, you drive me crazy, you are forgetful and you are almost always late to everything... but you are also so loving, you look at me like I am the only woman in the room, you make me laugh harder than anyone ever has, you are the best kisser, when you hold me everything is right in the world, you put up with my crazy ass, you love me through my hulk moments, and you are the best person to parent with. Thank you for being you, thank you for marrying me, thank you for loving me and here is to the next year of our lives together as Mr. and Mrs. Flowers!!

I love you!!!

Love,

Your Little Duck

P.S. Now go get ready to take me to dinner so we aren't late!!!