Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The truth – I have been hiding

You all know I had a miscarriage. You all know I have dealt with depression before. If you put the 2 together, you might have figured out that after my miscarriage, I became very depressed. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning and it was hard to fall asleep at night. I did not want to do anything while I was at work and I sat on my couch glued to my tv once I returned home. The only time I was up and moving around was when I was getting something to eat, which was all the time. I did not feel like cooking and so we ate out almost every single meal.

My clothes were already not fitting well from my pregnancy and the eating all the time was not helping matters. It even got to the point I had to ask my best friend for my “fat” jeans back. Having to ask, really took a lot out of my pride… but I had to do it because every time I was in the fitting rooms trying to find more clothes, I would break down and cry. I cried because clothes didn’t fit. I cried because I had hit my goal weight and I let it go. I cried because I lost my baby and I just wanted him/her back. I cried because we have been trying  for another one and it hasn’t happened yet. I cried.
I have been ashamed of letting myself go and not really caring. I have been MIA on the page because I have had thoughts like “who would want to follow someone like me, someone who has gained a lot of my weight back, I am a fraud, I am a failure… etc.” I know all of that is not true and that this is life… no one is perfect! This is my journey and I am real. I have ups and I have downs. Sometimes my downs suck a lot and sometimes my ups are really good… but I am never perfect!

August I decided would be my month to get back on the wagon. I signed up and paid for morning boot camps again. I bought the 21 day fix from Beachbody. I wrote out a whole meal plan for the entire month of August. I was ready to tackle the month. Then… I just didn’t. The mornings were still rough and I felt like I was having an out of body experience. The 21 day fix was awesome for food portions but the workouts are at home workouts and when I would get home I would just veg on the couch with no motivation and no mirrors. The meal plan I wrote out, after the 1st week I stopped because I felt overwhelmed having to keep my with my meals and my husbands meals. I wasn’t ready physically or emotionally in August. Call it an excuse, call it whatever you like… but all I am saying is, I wasn’t ready.

September was going to be a hectic month with something planned each weekend, starting with my best friends baby shower. She doesn’t know this yet, but that week of her shower I had a mental breakdown at work bawling my eyes out and I had to leave. How was I supposed to throw her a shower when I was still so broken about losing my own baby? I prayed a LOT about this and God calmed me down and gave me the strength to bless her. Which in return, her family blessed me. At the end of her shower, they all laid hands on me and prayed over my womb and for God to bless us with another baby. Since that day, I have not felt that depression in my heart. It was like a huge rock was lifted from my shoulders. The month went on and we celebrated Caleb’s birthday with a party and then a trip to Disney World! I had the time of my life, other than getting sick, and was able to do things I would have missed out on if I was pregnant.

On the drive back from Florida, I was praying and realized that I need to stop focusing on everyone else and everything else around me and to start focusing on myself again. Sometimes you have to do what is best for your and your life, not what is best for everybody else. I talked to Casey and told him that I was going to start meal prepping again, but this time I am doing it just for myself and that he would need to start cooking food for his lunches and dinners. I text a couple of my girlfriends and told them that I would no longer be going to lunch with them during the work week, that I am going to get back into the gym instead. I also had a little talk with Caleb and told him that a couple nights a week he will be going to the gym daycare to play while I work out (if I miss during work for a work related function) and we would be going back on the weekends too.

While I was at Disney, I became really sick and I finally went to the doctor yesterday. It was a ear infection, ugh! She talked to me about my weight and I told her what has been happening since she last saw me. She said she understands but that I need to get back on the right track so that my fertility will go back to normal. She said when people have quick weight gains like I have had the past few months, that it can mess with ovulation and fertility. She suggested that I start focusing on eating right and my fitness again instead of being obsessed about becoming pregnant again.

So, here I am… I meal prepped Sunday night and stayed on my eating plan all day yesterday and I took my start pictures yesterday morning. I did not make it to the gym yesterday due to my doctor’s appointment so today I am going to do 2 a days.

I am not perfect. I struggle with maintaining weight. I have to re-start again. BUT… I know I can do it again. I know that I have what it takes. I know that if I stay focused on myself and my own personal goals, I can achieve anything.

I am not going to make a goal for my weight. I am not going to make a goal for a certain size in jeans. All I am going to do is make a goal of completing my workouts daily, eating only on my meal plan I have prepped (no eating out, except for date night on Saturday), and making time for myself everyday no matter what is going on.
I am sorry for being MIA the past couple weeks/months. I do appreciate all the support and love you have each given me. I am back!!!

1 comment:

  1. I am still behind you.. What I love most about your blog, it's not that you're fraud or failure, it's you are real!! You have over come a huge struggle and you aren't afraid to admit that you just weren't ready yet. Someone once told me, you will never lose weight unless you do it for yourself. So I am so excited to hear that you are going to do this for yourself and you are going to be selfish. I can't wait to follow along in your journey and watch you over come this obstacle too!