Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back @ It

Last week I decided to put down the cupcakes and get my booty back in the gym! This week (yesterday to be exact) I started using LiveFit as a reference on what to lift on what days. On Sunday, my hubby and I also meal prepped for the week and made a pact to not eat out this entire week...

I have gained some weight. Okay, not just some... a lot! After my wedding, my body went back up to where it is comfortable at. The weight I can maintain easily... 175-180. I was okay with that because I was tired of being hardcore. I did it for almost a year and I needed a break. Well, then I got pregnant and I couldn't stay awake to save my life. Seriously, I was always sleeping! I also couldn't stomach anything except sweets. Well, add together the sleeping, the sweets and then the bed rest... lets just say it got pretty ugly in the weight department!

I finally stepped on the scale last week for the 1st time in 3 months (every time we went to the doctors I did not look because I was HAPPY and didn't want that number to bring me down). The number was 208!!! Ouch!!!

I am now on a mission again to get back down to my happy/maintain weight of 175-180. It is going to take some time, hard work and a lot of dedication and I am ready more now then ever before. I always said the only way I would be over 200 pounds again was if I was pregnant... time to do the hard work and get this pregnancy weight off!!!

Setting goals for myself really helps me stay on track, so here are a few I have made for myself...

My Birthday (August 22) - Lose 10 pounds and weigh 198lbs or less
Disney World (September 19th) - Lose another 10 pounds and weigh 188 or less
Halloween (October 31st) - Be at my goal weight of 175-180 or less

Alrighty, I have my goals set and my mind made up! I am ready accomplish this and so much more.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Saying Good-Bye

Have you ever been SO mad (aka jealous) that you threw your phone across the room only to have your husband stare at you like you need to be put in a mental hospital? Well, I have. This weekend 4 of my friends annoucned they are pregnant. Yay for them... I say that with love and with sarcasm!!! I know it will happen again for us but I want it to happen N.O.W.!!!

Patience is something I have NEVER been good at!!! Ask my Momma, she will tell you. I am sure she could probably write a book. Oh maybe she could write a book, make millions, give me some of the money and then I can live on the beach and never have to work again... Momma, lets talk! Haha

Other than throwing my phone across the room (thank goodness it didn't break... any more then it is already broken) we had a pretty awesome weekend with Caleb being home.

We attended a few birthday parties (with babies and pregnant women, ugh). We were able to see some family. We went to the movies and had ice cream (did you know yesterday was National Ice Cream Day). And church yesterday was hands down the BEST service I have ever been to. If you are ever in Saginaw, Texas on a Sunday morning come check out Eagle's View Church!!!

BUT... to top off our weekend, our photographer (and great friend) blessed us with a photo shoot in honor of our little dumpling in heaven! Caleb wrote a note and we tied it to some balloons and sent it off in style. Well, it got stuck in a tree but hey it happens. We told Caleb that God wanted it to get stuck so the angel baby could fly down and get it when we left. It made for some awesome pictures we will forever cherish!!! Photos below...

Oh and his note he wrote was his name and a photo of the "baby dying and flying to heaven"... Those were his words, not mine! Haha

I have thought and prayed a lot about my blog and about this wonderful and crazy journey I am on and have decided that for awhile this will be my last blog about the miscarriage. I am going to start focusing back on my weight loss journey and pour all my extra time and energy into getting back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am also going to continue to let this experience bring me closer to God and hopefully sooner than later Casey and I can SCREAM from the roof tops that we are pregnant again.

Thank you for reading my journey. Thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. And thank you for being you!!! We love you all.


Friday, July 18, 2014

Breaking a 4 Year Olds Heart

I am currently sitting on my couch, watching Spider-Man (ugh) while my very active 4 year old, Caleb, is running around swinging swords yelling that he is a Power Ranger who is cutting our couches because they are the bad guys. He said "Don't worry old lady, they aren't real knifes... duh!"

This is how life almost always goes when he is home. I adore every hectic, loud, crazy minute of it and that is one of the reasons why I was so sad to break his heart. He is so innocent, he should not have to worry about horrible things that happen... not yet at least.

Another reason I was saddened to have to tell him about the miscarriage was because this kid has been SO excited to be a big brother and have a sister. No, we did not know the sex of the baby but he was 110% sure that the baby would be a girl. I know one day he will become a big brother, but having to tell him the wait has been pushed back was not something I was looking forward to.

Casey and I went over our words this morning on the way to pick Caleb up. We decided that I would do most of the talking and Casey would step up if I lost my words or started to cry. Our game plan was to focus on how the baby is now living in heaven and is hanging out with Jesus and God. Caleb thinks death is cool because they get to go hang out with Jesus... we figured this approach would be the best for him to understand.

We sat there in the living room and broke the news to him. It did not hit him until he asked "Am I still a big brother?" and I had to tell him he would have to wait... he broke down crying in my arms. Of course, this caused me to break down too.

The teddy bear helped him a lot. He loved being able to hold it and all day long he has been going over to it to hug it, kiss it, or just talk to it.

He has done very well with it all together. As the day has gone on, he has asked a few questions and he has started crying out of the blue a few times too. I know that feeling all to well. "Why did God not want me to be a big brother?"... "How did the baby die?".... "When will we have another baby?"... Questions I wish I could give him answers to.

Tonight at dinner, he asked if he could say the prayers for us which I agreed. I love when he prays... so much that he did the prayers at our wedding. The prayer was short but was the best prayer I have ever heard in my entire life. "Dear God, please give my momma a baby girl so we aren't sad anymore."

I love my strong, smart and super sweet little boy!


Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Gray Jellybean

I want to warn my readers, this might be a little bit TMI. I need to write about it though and this is my safe place... so here goes nothing!

July 2nd - I woke up to some bleeding, we went to the doctor and I was put on bed rest for a hematoma in my cervix. Baby was doing great and the heartbeat was nice and strong.

July 3rd - Bleeding picked up and I started to wear pantie liners because it wasn't just when I wiped anymore. I chalked it up to the hematoma bleeding out.

July 4th - No fireworks, only a lot of blood when I woke up. I had bled through my pantie liner, through my granny panties, through my sleep shorts and some on to the sheets. I again chalked it up to the hematoma bleeding out.

July 5th - More bleeding... it's the hematoma right?!

July 6th - The bleeding stop almost completely and I passed a few clots. One of those clots looked a lot like a gray blob. I wiped and caught it with the paper and sat there inspecting it. This clot looked so different than any other I had passed. I had a fleeting thought something along the lines of "what if this was my baby?" and the thought passed. I finished inspecting it, poking at it, moving it around in the tissue and then flushed it. I chalked it up to... can you guess? The hematoma!

July 7th, 8th, 9th - The bleeding stopped! I was so proud and just knew the hematoma was gone!!!

July 10th - We found out we had miscarried. This was honestly one of the worst days of my life.

Back to the gray jellybean.

As I sat there and cried, the doctor explained everything to me and Casey. I remember tuning her out because nothing she said would bring our baby back. Then the room became quiet and Casey and the doctor sat there looking at me with a puzzle look on their faces... did they just ask me a question that I didn't hear? Are they waiting for me to reply or are they just trying to figure out when I will run out of tears? So I mumbled the words, huh and tried my best to listen... something I wanted so badly NOT to do.

The doctor asked her question again... in the past couple days have you passed any clots? Have any of them looked like a little gray jellybean? If so, that was most likely the baby.

Que the tears.

I have thought a lot about that little gray jellybean the past couple days. The one thought that keeps popping up is "How lucky am I that I was able to hold my baby!" That is God pouring his love on me because my other thoughts are not so positive. But, that is the only thought that gives me a sense of peace in middle of this horrible storm.

The other thought that keeps popping up in my mind, usually right after the Godly thought, is "I flushed my baby like a goldfish!" It sounds morbid, but it always makes me laugh. God does have a sense of humor and for that I am glad.

The bible says ... "Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that moment." Matthew 8:13

So I will continue to stay positive and continue to trust God and his plan... He has gotten me this far in life, I am sure he wont let me down now. I believe I will be healed and that I will deliver a healthy baby one day. Stay positive!

Tomorrow morning Casey and I will be telling Caleb about the baby. Please wrap our family in prayer as this is something we are dreading... He is a smart little boy and LOVES God with all his heart so I know it will be okay, I am just not ready to break his little heart. He told me yesterday on the phone, "I am excited to come home and tell my baby sister hi and kiss her in your tummy"... Prayers are much appreciated!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Fighting the Urge to Punch Someone

Yep, you read it right... This morning I had to fight the urge to punch someone. Not just a random person just because, I had a target and I was ready to test my punching hand. 

Let’s rewind a bit.

Yesterday was an amazing day! Seriously, I was SO proud of how positive I was. How I turned to prayer every second I started feeling weak. And the night ended with a wonderful phone call and word of prayer from mine and Casey's marriage counselor (who has become more like a part of our family then a counselor). I was doing good. 

Key Word - Was!!!

This morning, I woke up late and had the urge to just curl up next to my husband and never let go. I had this feeling of not wanting to be in public today... I just wanted to stay in my bubble and hide. I knew that was the devil and was not the right thing to do, so I finally pulled myself out of bed and threw on some clothes (which are tight because I have gained weight and nothing fits me and I feel sad when I wear maternity clothes, so tight clothes it is). 

I was in such a hurry that I skimmed over my daily devotional instead of taking it in and praying over it. Hey, I read it though so that should count for something. 

My prayer life is more of me just talking to myself (well actually to God, but a random stranger would think I was crazy and just rambling to myself) instead of the whole get down on my knees, clasp my hands together and say Thou and Thee and JESSSSSUUUUSSSS!!! So while the highway I just begun to talk to God and try to get out of this little rut because where I was headed, I needed God by my side. 

I was headed to my check up for my miscarriage. Yay me! I made light of the situation by telling God I should get a sticker or a lollipop or heck even a baby for being brave and going instead of hiding in my bed. I figured laughing is healthy, right? 

I was the 1st one at the doctor’s office and was hoping to be called back before any pregnant women came in. If you are pregnant and reading this, I love you and I am so happy for you… however, I really don’t want to see you while I am going to have a checkup for losing my baby. I sat there and waited and 7… SEVEN…. Pregnant women came in after me. I smiled and nodded as each one passed and begged for God to just take my mind off it or for them to call me back to a room. Finally the last straw broke. A pregnant woman came in, a very chatty pregnant woman, and started going on and on about how she was STILL pregnant and how she hated it, how miserable she was, how she didn’t want to get any bigger, how it was basically an inconvenience to her. Now, I have been pregnant before and had a very large baby so I know how true all of that is… I just didn’t want to hear it. I would give anything to STILL be pregnant. I would pay money to be miserably huge, I would LOVE for a baby to grow inside me and inconvenience me. I know she didn’t know I had just had a miscarriage and how much she was breaking my heart so I started to pray for her to just SHUT UP!!! I told God that if she doesn’t shut up in the next 5 seconds, I was going to deck her!!!! Seriously I was ready to punch a pregnant woman… I am horrible I know! Guess what, she shut up!

I approached the window, trying so hard to fight back my tears, and asked as nice as can be if they could sit me in my room so I can wait for the doctor back there instead of being around all these pregnant women (and the one complainer of the group). They got me right back!!

I learned a valuable lesson today, don’t take life for granted. Something I have always known but not something I always practice. Losing this baby has taught me that with my next pregnancy to enjoy every single minute of it and to love it all, even the parts I hate.

My blood work should be back tomorrow to show that my HCG levels are back down and my body is back to normal then we are able to start trying again and hopefully it won’t take too long to get pregnant again. And yes, we WILL start trying again. We both want a baby and neither of us want to wait… giving it all to God and when he is ready to bless us with a baby, we are ready to receive the blessing!

Oh and btw, I promise I will never punch a pregnant woman… I promise!


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I am blessed

I have realized that blogging the past couple days has really helped me deal with losing our baby... so, I am going to continue to blog. Who knows if anyone is reading this or not, but really that isn't the point. The point is that I have a healthy outlet to grieve and for that I am thankful!

Yesterday at work I received a beautiful thing of flowers from my co-workers and I lost it... I had to shut my office door and I went through a box of Kleenex bawling my eyes out. Luckily it was close to quitting time so I was able to go home instead of having to pull myself together to finish the day. I sat in my office praying for God to help me. I prayed for God to comfort me. I prayed for God to give me peace. I just prayed.

Funny things happen when you pray... God answers them!

As I walked out the door of my building into my parking garage, a friend tapped me on the shoulder and told me that God has it under control and that she has been praying for us and will continue to do so.

I finally reached my car, threw in my bags and sat down to buckle up and my phone rang. It was my friend Julie just checking on me out of the blue. We sat there and talked, mostly she let me cry and scream and ask why. She reassured me that God knew what he was doing and that through him all things are possible.

I hung up with Julie and Eboni started calling. I work with Eboni and she knew I had broke down at work and she was calling to make sure I was okay and to share a story with me to make me laugh. She reminded me that I am a strong woman and God wouldn't give me something He didn't think I could handle.

While I was on the phone with Eboni, my text messages started going off... I opened them and found text from Ali checking in on me to make sure I made it through the day. And to remind me that even though I had a break down towards the end of work, I had made it through most of the day. She helped remind me that God has never asked us to carry all the weight, we have to rely on him instead.

After texting back with Ali, my phone started ringing and it was Samantha. Seriously, by this time I thought that they all planned this... National Lets Check In On Jordan Day! Sam and I sat there and talked and she helped answer some of my medical questions (she is a nurse). She reminded me that God blesses those who are faithful to him and she knows that one day he will bless us with another baby.

While I was chit chatting with Sam, I missed a call from my mother in law. I couldn't help but laugh at this point... I hung up from Sam and sat there talking to God for a minute before calling Joy back. I prayed to him earlier to help me, comfort me and give me peace and he did all that through the love of my friends and family. How blessed am I?

The night ended with a book and a call from my Momma (she sent me a book through the mail) and a few text messages from one of my friends/co-workers who helped calm me down earlier at work.

I have so many wonderful people in my life and I am so blessed. God has truly opened my eyes the past couple of days to show me all of this. I also realized that I need to learn to let people help me and learn to ask for help. I have always struggled with that!!!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Trying to focus

If you know me at all, you know that when I am passionate about something I throw my entire life into that passion. I love being able to love to the fullest and show my love by my actions.

For example, I love Caleb. Oh God do I love that boy. Every where I go, I find something that reminds me of him. Heck even at work when I use a binder clip, I am reminded about how he LOVES to steal them when he comes for a visit. I love buying him special surprises. I love spoiling him. I love bragging about him. I just LOVE him! And like I said earlier, if you know me at all... you should already know this!

Casey. God. Fitness. Smore's. Parties. Crafts. Friends. Family. Nieces. I am so in love and the list could go on and on.

With this baby, nothing was different. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to scream it from the roof tops! I was beaming with pride! I wanted everyone to know that the love of my life and I were about to start a new journey together. I was uber excited to give Caleb a sibling. Oh and the nursery... The nursery!!! I love crafts, I love to decorate and I loved that I had a house of my own this time around that allowed me to have a nursery! With Caleb, I lived with my sister and we shared a room so there wasn't much decorating going on. I was E-X-C-I-T-E-D!!!

I have had a couple people ask me if next time I get pregnant (and yes, there will be a next time) if I will end up not telling anyone until after my 1st trimester. If I "regret" my decision to announce it to the world so early?

My answer, HECK NO!!! I was excited and thrilled to share the joyful news with you all. And now looking back on the last couple days, I am happy I did share the good news with you because that means I was able to have an outlet to share the devastating news too.

I will be 110% honest, the past few days would have been hell if I had gone through them alone. I cant begin to tell you how many people have reached out to me. They have shared their prayers, well wishes, sympathy, stories, gave me hope and so much more. Each of you have helped me and I thank you!

The question I am left with now is where does all this passion go now? I am going to turn it inward and focus on myself. Focus on my prayer life. Focus on my fitness again (I have kind of fallen off the wagon). Focus on my happiness. Focus on Jordan. I owe to to myself, to my family and to my future baby!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The silver lining

Thursday as I sat on the couch in a daze, my wonderful husband packed my bag, booked us a hotel (in Dallas) and told me to get in the car. I had been stuck in the house for the past week on bed rest which I thought was protecting my baby. The last place I wanted to be was at home. 

We stayed at the Le Meriden Hotel for 2 wonderful, much needed, nights. Friday we spent the day shopping (will tell you what for in a bit) and talking (with each other and with The Lord). 

It dawned on me over dinner, what if this happened to helped Casey and I become even closer together? This was a 1st for both of us and we had to learn to lean on each other in a whole new way. Casey is a very quiet man, but hearing him open up about the loss of our child made me fall in love with him all over again. Having him hold me every time I broke down in tears out of the blue, made me fall in love all over again. Having him sit there and listen to me, as I rambled, cried, yelled, and prayed, made me fall in love all over again. 

We decided to see the silver lining in this all. God doesn't give us rain without a rainbow! 

Now for what we were shopping for. We both decided that we were going to make a build a bear and make it an angel bear. We are going to use this bear to help explain what happened to our baby  to Caleb. He wanted a sibling so badly and he's been so excited. We are going to tell him that he is a lucky little boy because he has a angel sibling that lives with God and that instead of a baby, we get this angel bear to keep! And that one day we will see the baby again in heaven.

The guy at build a bear (John at Stonebriar Mall) was a blessing to us. He asked if we were shopping for a special kid in our lives and we told him why were there. Tears filled our eyes and his too. He instantly dropped everything else he was working on and helped us out. He went above and beyond for us! He made our bear, said a prayer over our bears heart, gave us bear bucks to pay for our bear, and just let God shine through his heart! He was heaven sent for sure!! 

I am taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do right now. I am not in control (something hard for this control freak to admit) but I take peace in knowing God is in control. I am very thankful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father, more so now then ever before! 

Continued prayers are welcome! I feel good now but just like last night in the shower, I know i can break down crying at a drop of a hat. Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, love and support. You will never know how much it means to me. I felt so alone when I first found out, but with all your love and support, that feeling quickly faded. 


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Losing our baby

I am numb as I sit here and type this out. There are no words to describe the feeling that has taken over my body today, but I am going to try and write my emotions down now while they are still fresh.

Today we lost our baby.

I went in for my check up to make sure my hematoma was gone and to see if I could get off bed rest. However, when they did the sonogram a blanket of silence filled the room. My heart sunk and I just knew what I had feared was now a reality... my baby was no longer alive and thriving.

The doctor sat there and tried to explain everything. I saw her mouth moving and the tears falling from her face, but I couldn't hear anything she said. Did this really just happen? I have to be dreaming right now. I want a second opinion!

They did do a second sonogram on another machine... nothing changed.

In the past couple hours I have felt so many feeling race over me... sadness, guilt, disappointment, just to name a few. Why is this happening to me? Why did I have to lose our baby? What could I have done to change this?

Casey deserves to be a father and now this happens... my heart broke again. Caleb is SO excited to have a sibling... my heart broke again. I really wanted a daughter... my broken heart, broke again.

Yes I know I am not the 1st woman to go through this. Yes I know we could try again. Yes I know that I was only 2 months pregnant. That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt like hell. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I pictured our lives a certain way and now that picture has a missing puzzle piece and my heart will always have the "what if" question.

I am numb. I am in shock. I am upset. BUT... I am a child of God and I know he has a plan. So I will trust in him and lift him up and praise him through the good times and the bad. He is in control.

Please say a prayer for my family and for my broken heart to heal.


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Bed Rest Updates & Baby Names

I have almost made it, my time on bed rest MIGHT be coming to an end tomorrow!!! Originally, my doctors apt was for today... the doctor had some personal things come up, so my apt was pushed to tomorrow at 11. I think God is trying to teach me patience. Ha!

I am SO ready to get out of bed and off the dang couch. I have been spicing it up every other day by switching to the couch from the bed. 

Pros and Cons to Bed Rest:

Pro - I have been able to watch all 6 seasons of Lost on Netflix and Hulu. 
Con - I haven't been able to drive a car in the past week
Pro - I get to sleep in
Con - I cant sleep at night, stayed up til 3 am this morning
Pro - Casey does everything for me
Con - Casey does everything for me
Pro - No work
Con - No social interaction with adults (except for the people who have come to visit)

And the list could go on and on... seriously done with this all! 

How am I feeling? I am doing great, just bored out of my mind. As far as my hematoma, it was bleeding really good for a couple days. It was bleeding so much that I had to wear some uber sexy granny panties and pads there for a few nights... Casey had to buy me some granny panties and ended up size 9 (because I wear a size 10-12 jeans) not knowing that size 9 panties are really size 14-16 pant size... so they are a bit big on me, which makes them that much sexier!! Anyways, the bleeding has slowed down a LOT now and is even absent most of the times I go to the bathroom. I hope that means the hematoma is gone, we will find out tomorrow!!! 

During bed rest we have decided on a boy and a girl name that we both love! We know that everyone will have a comment on the names, just like they did when I chose the name Caleb before he was born... So please, if you don't like our names or think they are "bad" names, please just keep it to yourself. 

If we have a boy, we have decided to name him Lucas Cole Flowers. Casey came up with this name and we both love it... the middle name was going to be Casey, however we decided that nothing really sounded good with that so we went Cole. Lucas means light! 

If we have a girl, her name will be Isabelle Mae Flowers. I was the one who came up with this name after we threw MANY girls names around. Mae was my Gaga's middle name (my grandmother who passed away when I was 11 years old who I was very close to). Isabelle will be called Is, Izzy, or Belle. Isabelle means God is bountiful!
We are excitedly awaiting August 23rd to find out if we will welcome Lucas or Isabelle into our family!

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us this past week. who has brought us dinner, who has come to visit me... it means the world to us!! Thank you!

I am so ready to get back to normal life and get back into the gym!!!


Saturday, July 5, 2014

Day 4 of Bed Rest

Today is day 4 of my bed rest and I am going bonkers. People think bed rest is like a vacation, but in reality it is like you are in prison!!! I have even been calling Casey the warden.

I move, he ask why. I get up to pee, he tells me to sit down. I get up to throw away something, he takes it from me and makes me get back in bed. 

I think he is taking it a little too serious... or maybe I am not taking it seriously enough. Either way, I need it to be next week so I can see the doctor again!

The doctor said that blood is a good sign and well lets say I have had a lot of GOOD signs the past couple days... Hopefully by next week, my hematoma will be gone!!! A girl can hope, right?!

Anyways, I am 8 weeks today!!! Time for another chalkboard photo... this time, in bed! 


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Hematoma = Bed Rest

Last blog I told you guys that I had to visit the doctor because I had some bleeding and a clot. Well, everything checked out fine and I was told it would end and just to take it easy...

It didn't end.

The bleeding picked up and this morning it became very scary. I just knew something bad had happened. I woke Casey up at 5 am in fear of the worst. We called the on call nurse and was told to come in for a visit after the office opened. I sat there in bed thinking of all the bad things that could have gone wrong for 3 hours. Finally the office opened and I made an appointment to be checked.

Of course, when we got there we found out our doctor was in Mexico for vacation and the back up doctor was in emergency surgery... and we would have to see the back up of the back up doctor. I honestly didn't care who I saw at this point as long as someone told me our baby was okay.

We were called back an hour later and FINALLY had a sonogram. Thank the heavens, we were able to locate our sweet baby and hear the heart beat. The very strong and fast heart beat... 177 beats per minute to be exact!  And the baby looks like he/she has almost doubled in size since our last sonogram 6 days ago!

This is from today!!

This is the comparison from last week and today!!! 

But what was the cause of the bleeding? That was my question and I needed to know or I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until it stopped.

After a very lengthy sonogram, we were told that I have a subchorionic hematoma... Now you see, I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy here lately and hearing "hematoma" really freaked me out! My friends Derrick and Meredith (haha) say hematoma and rush a patient off to surgery. Go ahead laugh, Casey did!

Basically what a subchorionic hematoma is, is a blood vessel that was somehow ruptured and is now bleeding out. It could be caused by the baby implanting or from straining to go to the bathroom (because we all know I have a problem in that area) or from a number of other things... there isn't one certain cause they could pin point it to. And no, my pedicure yesterday did NOT cause this and oils could not have prevented this... Just to be clear!

Below is a picture of my cervix. The dark larger spot is my amniotic sac with our baby inside. The smaller darker spot with the plus signs next to it, that is my hematoma.

I have been put on bed rest until further notice so that the hematoma will bleed out instead of growing in size. My next appointment is July 9th and they will measure the hematoma and make sure it is getting smaller. Right now it is about 3 millimeters in size.

Good news, the baby has implanted very high in my cervix and the hematoma is low... it is not affecting my pregnancy other than me bleeding. The doctor also said that after hearing the heartbeat that the chance of miscarriage is less than 15%!!! That makes me feel a little bit better.

So for the next week, I will be laying on my couch and my bed while Casey waits on me hand and foot... Trust me, he is liking me actually having to ask for help.... something I am not good at doing! He is a bit bossy though, if I get up to pee he questions where I am going, what I am doing, and so many other questions. It is cute and I am so happy I have him!!!

Side note, so being shuffled around this morning between doctors actually turned out to be a good thing. We ended up falling in love with the doctor we met today and loved her more than the doctor we normally see. We both left feeling like we need to switch... calling 1st thing in the morning!

I have had a lot of people ask me how they can help... prayers! Pray that the hematoma clears up and I am able to get back to work. Pray that our baby continues to grow and strive. Pray that I don't drive Casey crazy while I am on bed rest. Pray that I don't drive myself crazy!!! Just pray!!!