This is how life almost always goes when he is home. I adore every hectic, loud, crazy minute of it and that is one of the reasons why I was so sad to break his heart. He is so innocent, he should not have to worry about horrible things that happen... not yet at least.
Another reason I was saddened to have to tell him about the miscarriage was because this kid has been SO excited to be a big brother and have a sister. No, we did not know the sex of the baby but he was 110% sure that the baby would be a girl. I know one day he will become a big brother, but having to tell him the wait has been pushed back was not something I was looking forward to.
Casey and I went over our words this morning on the way to pick Caleb up. We decided that I would do most of the talking and Casey would step up if I lost my words or started to cry. Our game plan was to focus on how the baby is now living in heaven and is hanging out with Jesus and God. Caleb thinks death is cool because they get to go hang out with Jesus... we figured this approach would be the best for him to understand.
We sat there in the living room and broke the news to him. It did not hit him until he asked "Am I still a big brother?" and I had to tell him he would have to wait... he broke down crying in my arms. Of course, this caused me to break down too.
The teddy bear helped him a lot. He loved being able to hold it and all day long he has been going over to it to hug it, kiss it, or just talk to it.
He has done very well with it all together. As the day has gone on, he has asked a few questions and he has started crying out of the blue a few times too. I know that feeling all to well. "Why did God not want me to be a big brother?"... "How did the baby die?".... "When will we have another baby?"... Questions I wish I could give him answers to.
Tonight at dinner, he asked if he could say the prayers for us which I agreed. I love when he prays... so much that he did the prayers at our wedding. The prayer was short but was the best prayer I have ever heard in my entire life. "Dear God, please give my momma a baby girl so we aren't sad anymore."
I love my strong, smart and super sweet little boy!
.JPG)
This made me cry :( I have had 2 miscarriages, it hurts so bad! I will not say I feel your pain because when I was there people would tell me that too, out of love, but it almost hurt to hear that, if that makes any since. I just remember thinking "people say they understand, but they don't truly understand the pain that I am feeling". But.......... God does!!! I pray God wraps his arms of love around you and your family, cry on his shoulder! And know that his plans he has for us are bigger than anything we can think of or imagine. I know it's hard to understand why we have to go through the hurt and pain, but you never know who will be touched by your testimony and God speaking through you will be just what they needed to hear to cope with their pain. I love y'all! Y'all are in our prayers!! An I think God knew what he was doing when he allowed Caleb to be a big bother to His little angel!! That takes a very special big brother!!! That's cooler than any super hero I know!! And when his sister gets here he will be just as amazing of a brother to her as he is to your precious angel in heaven!
ReplyDelete