Thursday, July 10, 2014
Losing our baby
Today we lost our baby.
I went in for my check up to make sure my hematoma was gone and to see if I could get off bed rest. However, when they did the sonogram a blanket of silence filled the room. My heart sunk and I just knew what I had feared was now a reality... my baby was no longer alive and thriving.
The doctor sat there and tried to explain everything. I saw her mouth moving and the tears falling from her face, but I couldn't hear anything she said. Did this really just happen? I have to be dreaming right now. I want a second opinion!
They did do a second sonogram on another machine... nothing changed.
In the past couple hours I have felt so many feeling race over me... sadness, guilt, disappointment, just to name a few. Why is this happening to me? Why did I have to lose our baby? What could I have done to change this?
Casey deserves to be a father and now this happens... my heart broke again. Caleb is SO excited to have a sibling... my heart broke again. I really wanted a daughter... my broken heart, broke again.
Yes I know I am not the 1st woman to go through this. Yes I know we could try again. Yes I know that I was only 2 months pregnant. That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt like hell. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I pictured our lives a certain way and now that picture has a missing puzzle piece and my heart will always have the "what if" question.
I am numb. I am in shock. I am upset. BUT... I am a child of God and I know he has a plan. So I will trust in him and lift him up and praise him through the good times and the bad. He is in control.
Please say a prayer for my family and for my broken heart to heal.
at 2:47 PM