Thursday, July 10, 2014

Losing our baby

I am numb as I sit here and type this out. There are no words to describe the feeling that has taken over my body today, but I am going to try and write my emotions down now while they are still fresh.

Today we lost our baby.

I went in for my check up to make sure my hematoma was gone and to see if I could get off bed rest. However, when they did the sonogram a blanket of silence filled the room. My heart sunk and I just knew what I had feared was now a reality... my baby was no longer alive and thriving.

The doctor sat there and tried to explain everything. I saw her mouth moving and the tears falling from her face, but I couldn't hear anything she said. Did this really just happen? I have to be dreaming right now. I want a second opinion!

They did do a second sonogram on another machine... nothing changed.

In the past couple hours I have felt so many feeling race over me... sadness, guilt, disappointment, just to name a few. Why is this happening to me? Why did I have to lose our baby? What could I have done to change this?

Casey deserves to be a father and now this happens... my heart broke again. Caleb is SO excited to have a sibling... my heart broke again. I really wanted a daughter... my broken heart, broke again.

Yes I know I am not the 1st woman to go through this. Yes I know we could try again. Yes I know that I was only 2 months pregnant. That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt like hell. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I pictured our lives a certain way and now that picture has a missing puzzle piece and my heart will always have the "what if" question.

I am numb. I am in shock. I am upset. BUT... I am a child of God and I know he has a plan. So I will trust in him and lift him up and praise him through the good times and the bad. He is in control.

Please say a prayer for my family and for my broken heart to heal.


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8 comments:

  1. So very sorry to read this. Prayers for you and your family. You are in our thoughts

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  2. Jordan....so sorry for your loss...praying for you and your family. Nothing can prepare you for this type of loss...take care of you and give yourself extra grace on the days and eels ahead.

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    1. Thank you. It has been hard but God has been so great...

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  3. I don't know you, but I came across your blog on fb. My heart hurts for you during this sad time. You definitely are not alone. I know you've been on bed rest, but try to get some rest and take care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you! Taking each minute as it comes... some are good and some are bad, but I am still swimming!

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  4. I also do not know you but am heartbroken for you. However, I am also glad that you know The Lord and His faithfulness. The fact that you can still say that you trust in His plan and can even praise Him in the midst of this shows the reality and closeness of your relationship with Him. As I was reading your post, the song below started playing in my mind. Hope it may help in any way. I'll be praying for you and your family.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=L5bLvVjJ4MA

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    1. I love that song, thank you so much for sharing it with me! God has been so wonderful the past couple days and I am so thankful for my relationship with him!!!

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