Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Gray Jellybean

I want to warn my readers, this might be a little bit TMI. I need to write about it though and this is my safe place... so here goes nothing!

July 2nd - I woke up to some bleeding, we went to the doctor and I was put on bed rest for a hematoma in my cervix. Baby was doing great and the heartbeat was nice and strong.

July 3rd - Bleeding picked up and I started to wear pantie liners because it wasn't just when I wiped anymore. I chalked it up to the hematoma bleeding out.

July 4th - No fireworks, only a lot of blood when I woke up. I had bled through my pantie liner, through my granny panties, through my sleep shorts and some on to the sheets. I again chalked it up to the hematoma bleeding out.

July 5th - More bleeding... it's the hematoma right?!

July 6th - The bleeding stop almost completely and I passed a few clots. One of those clots looked a lot like a gray blob. I wiped and caught it with the paper and sat there inspecting it. This clot looked so different than any other I had passed. I had a fleeting thought something along the lines of "what if this was my baby?" and the thought passed. I finished inspecting it, poking at it, moving it around in the tissue and then flushed it. I chalked it up to... can you guess? The hematoma!

July 7th, 8th, 9th - The bleeding stopped! I was so proud and just knew the hematoma was gone!!!

July 10th - We found out we had miscarried. This was honestly one of the worst days of my life.

Back to the gray jellybean.

As I sat there and cried, the doctor explained everything to me and Casey. I remember tuning her out because nothing she said would bring our baby back. Then the room became quiet and Casey and the doctor sat there looking at me with a puzzle look on their faces... did they just ask me a question that I didn't hear? Are they waiting for me to reply or are they just trying to figure out when I will run out of tears? So I mumbled the words, huh and tried my best to listen... something I wanted so badly NOT to do.

The doctor asked her question again... in the past couple days have you passed any clots? Have any of them looked like a little gray jellybean? If so, that was most likely the baby.

Que the tears.

I have thought a lot about that little gray jellybean the past couple days. The one thought that keeps popping up is "How lucky am I that I was able to hold my baby!" That is God pouring his love on me because my other thoughts are not so positive. But, that is the only thought that gives me a sense of peace in middle of this horrible storm.

The other thought that keeps popping up in my mind, usually right after the Godly thought, is "I flushed my baby like a goldfish!" It sounds morbid, but it always makes me laugh. God does have a sense of humor and for that I am glad.

The bible says ... "Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that moment." Matthew 8:13

So I will continue to stay positive and continue to trust God and his plan... He has gotten me this far in life, I am sure he wont let me down now. I believe I will be healed and that I will deliver a healthy baby one day. Stay positive!

Tomorrow morning Casey and I will be telling Caleb about the baby. Please wrap our family in prayer as this is something we are dreading... He is a smart little boy and LOVES God with all his heart so I know it will be okay, I am just not ready to break his little heart. He told me yesterday on the phone, "I am excited to come home and tell my baby sister hi and kiss her in your tummy"... Prayers are much appreciated!

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