Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Fighting the Urge to Punch Someone

Yep, you read it right... This morning I had to fight the urge to punch someone. Not just a random person just because, I had a target and I was ready to test my punching hand. 

Let’s rewind a bit.

Yesterday was an amazing day! Seriously, I was SO proud of how positive I was. How I turned to prayer every second I started feeling weak. And the night ended with a wonderful phone call and word of prayer from mine and Casey's marriage counselor (who has become more like a part of our family then a counselor). I was doing good. 

Key Word - Was!!!

This morning, I woke up late and had the urge to just curl up next to my husband and never let go. I had this feeling of not wanting to be in public today... I just wanted to stay in my bubble and hide. I knew that was the devil and was not the right thing to do, so I finally pulled myself out of bed and threw on some clothes (which are tight because I have gained weight and nothing fits me and I feel sad when I wear maternity clothes, so tight clothes it is). 

I was in such a hurry that I skimmed over my daily devotional instead of taking it in and praying over it. Hey, I read it though so that should count for something. 

My prayer life is more of me just talking to myself (well actually to God, but a random stranger would think I was crazy and just rambling to myself) instead of the whole get down on my knees, clasp my hands together and say Thou and Thee and JESSSSSUUUUSSSS!!! So while the highway I just begun to talk to God and try to get out of this little rut because where I was headed, I needed God by my side. 

I was headed to my check up for my miscarriage. Yay me! I made light of the situation by telling God I should get a sticker or a lollipop or heck even a baby for being brave and going instead of hiding in my bed. I figured laughing is healthy, right? 

I was the 1st one at the doctor’s office and was hoping to be called back before any pregnant women came in. If you are pregnant and reading this, I love you and I am so happy for you… however, I really don’t want to see you while I am going to have a checkup for losing my baby. I sat there and waited and 7… SEVEN…. Pregnant women came in after me. I smiled and nodded as each one passed and begged for God to just take my mind off it or for them to call me back to a room. Finally the last straw broke. A pregnant woman came in, a very chatty pregnant woman, and started going on and on about how she was STILL pregnant and how she hated it, how miserable she was, how she didn’t want to get any bigger, how it was basically an inconvenience to her. Now, I have been pregnant before and had a very large baby so I know how true all of that is… I just didn’t want to hear it. I would give anything to STILL be pregnant. I would pay money to be miserably huge, I would LOVE for a baby to grow inside me and inconvenience me. I know she didn’t know I had just had a miscarriage and how much she was breaking my heart so I started to pray for her to just SHUT UP!!! I told God that if she doesn’t shut up in the next 5 seconds, I was going to deck her!!!! Seriously I was ready to punch a pregnant woman… I am horrible I know! Guess what, she shut up!

I approached the window, trying so hard to fight back my tears, and asked as nice as can be if they could sit me in my room so I can wait for the doctor back there instead of being around all these pregnant women (and the one complainer of the group). They got me right back!!

I learned a valuable lesson today, don’t take life for granted. Something I have always known but not something I always practice. Losing this baby has taught me that with my next pregnancy to enjoy every single minute of it and to love it all, even the parts I hate.

My blood work should be back tomorrow to show that my HCG levels are back down and my body is back to normal then we are able to start trying again and hopefully it won’t take too long to get pregnant again. And yes, we WILL start trying again. We both want a baby and neither of us want to wait… giving it all to God and when he is ready to bless us with a baby, we are ready to receive the blessing!

Oh and btw, I promise I will never punch a pregnant woman… I promise!


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