Gender Disappointment

It has been a while... that is kind of an understatement. To tell you the truth, I fell out of love with blogging. I started a new job and poured all of my passion into that. 

Fast forward, we are pregnant with our 3 child. That is what this blog is dedicated to. It is kind of a taboo topic that I think light needs to be shined on. I thought about where to post  this at and knew that this blog would be my outlet. I woke on Sunday July 15 at 5 am and couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to start blogging... and this is what came out. 

Edit - I am blown away at everyone who has reached out and shared their stories with me. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I remember being scared to share my story of miscarrying a few years ago and through that so many people opened up to let me know their stories... the same applies to this blog now, y'all have helped so much! 

(Edit Cont) - There have been a handful of very rude people and to those I say this... I hope and pray you never have to deal with any kind of disappointment or depression ever in life. If you do, I hope that you are able to open up about it and seek help without being judged. Why judge someone and their feelings, just because you don't understand? My hopes for my boys, all 3 of them, is for them to grow up in a house knowing it is okay to be disappointed because you don't always get exactly what you want... and that it is okay to seek help to learn how to deal with that disappointment because it is healthier than pushing it down and never dealing with it. So rude people, I will be praying for you! 

-------------------------- Gender Disappointment --------------------------

Gender Disappointment is real. Of course I wanted a daughter. Yes, I could have swore this was a little girl. Every symptom and every old wives tale pointed to girl. This pregnancy is 100% different than my pregnancies with the boys. Everyone around me said they thought it was a girl, even my husband. I let myself get over the top excited and I just knew the results would be pink! 

I was shocked, very sad and upset it was blue instead. For a brief moment in time I was sad that I was even pregnant again. It was a feeling I had and it was real. It faded quickly though because in the end I was excited to be pregnant and having another baby, but I was having a hard time learning how to cope with mourning a daughter I will never have. 

I always dreamed of my little girl, since I was a little girl. Those big brown eyes, that thick long brown hair (that she would hate me for having and despise the bows I put in it), that sassy funny little attitude. Being able to name her after my Gaga (middle name Mae)... that love from her brothers and her love for them. Her daddy ringing the doorbell to pick her up for the daddy daughter Valentine dance. Her coming home to tell me she is engaged and looking for a wedding dress. The day she tells me she is pregnant and the day I get to witness her becoming a mom. It was dreams I realized would never come to life now. 

We found out the gender on the 28th of June. I spent a lot of time in bed the following days just crying and praying that God would change it. Casey knew I needed time to process this information alone and he gave me my space. I have always been one who cries in my closet, counts to 10 (sometimes to 1 million) and then comes out to talk to him. He was happy with either gender and it hurt me to see him happy. I wanted him to be sad like I was, I wanted him to long for a daughter like I longed for one. Misery wanted company, go figure! 

The days passed and it became a little bit better to come to terms with. I finally broke down and talked to Casey and we decided that we would wait to announce the gender until we see it on a sonogram. It was the first day I didn’t cry... so that’s what we did. I reached out to a counselor to talk through my sadness and I even joined a gender disappointment support group... who even knew those existed?! Because I sure didn't. I will tell you though, it has been VERY helpful for me. Anytime I get sad or down, I turn to my group and I feel like I can express my feelings without judgment. 

In the next few days of waiting for the sonogram, I started trying to get excited and come to terms about having my 3rd boy. I mean my chances of the genetic test being wrong were 1-2%. I started by deleting all the girl stuff off my Pinterest board. I searched for a cute nursery idea I liked for a boy, and found one. I created an announcement. Anytime I went to the store, I would look/glance at the boy items. I would practice in the mirror telling people "its another boy"... which most days I would cry while saying it but as time went on, it got a little easier. 

Of course there were moments in each day my heart would break again... a friend would announce she was having a girl. I would see a cute outfit I would love to purchase for my daughter. Braiding the hair of my best friends daughter. The list could go on and on. But with each passing moment, the pain wasn’t as painful. 

Besides for the brief moment of not wanting to be pregnant (right after finding out), which passed quickly, I never was resentful towards this baby boy. I love him. I search for his heartbeat. I try and feel him kick. I pray for him. I talk to him. I shop for him. I started decorating his nursery. The feelings weren’t and aren't directed to him at all.... 

The feelings were directed towards the fact that I would never have a daughter. Just saying that breaks my heart... I know one day I will have daughter in laws and maybe I will be lucky and have granddaughters, but it’s not the same. Learning to mourn something you will never get, it is a hard thing to learn. Going through the steps of grief have helped but I can’t fully say I am 100% over it and whose to say I ever will be. 

I know people will judge me for this blog and I know people will think I just need to be happy with what God gave me... but gender disappointment is real and I want people who are dealing with it, to know that they are not alone. It is okay to feel your feelings. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry. It is just plain okay! Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t! 

Yes I know there are people who deal with infertility that would be happy with 3 boys... and for those people I would say if I could give you my fertility I would in a heartbeat, if I could. But what you need to understand, just like you long for a baby, I longed for a daughter. I would never dismiss your feelings, so please don’t dismiss mine. 

To end, I may never understand God’s perfect plan for my life as a boy mom but Caleb Scott, Dax Marshall and Pecos Joe I love you to the moon and I am happy God chose me to be your Momma! You boys are wild, crazy and everything I never knew I needed. 

***If you are suffering from gender disappointment, please reach out to someone. There are so many online support groups available to you.***

Another blog I read that has helped me a lot is this one... I urge you to check it out if you are struggling with GD or would like to understand GD better. 
https://www.sammichespsychmeds.com/blue-is-pretty-too-gender-disappointment-and-grief/