Friday, May 20, 2011


Warning: I am about to ramble and there are tears flowing from my eyes as I write this, I just need to vent!!!

All my life all I ever really wanted was to wear a normal size in clothes. I wanted to be skinny, I wanted to buy clothes from the normal section, I wanted to borrow clothes, I just wanted to be NORMAL. Here I am now a size 10 (from a size 24) wearing smalls and medium tops and dresses... and I still look at myself in the mirror and see the same overweight fat girl I use to be. I am in such a funk right now and I cant shake it, I hate feeling defeated and I hate feeling like I cant do something. How can it be that I am in a small dress, (that a athelticly toned fit woman gave me) and I feel fatter then I have ever felt before? How is it that I put on my size 10 capri's and I am disgusted by what I see in the mirror? How is it that people tell me I look great, tell me I am skinny, tell me I dont need to lose more weight but all I can think of is how they are really sitting there making fun of me and being sarcastic? 

I know weight loss is more than just a physical change, its mental too. I know that the physical part is the"easy" part to change and that the mental part takes a lot longer and more work to change. But the problem is, I know how to change the physical part. I have become a pro at changing the phyiscal part... HOW DO I CHANGE THE MENTAL? Is there some sort of doctor that I need to go see? Do I need to ge hypontize? What do I do? 

I am not ready to give up, but I am getting so frustrated with it that giving up is where I am headed. I have jumped off the bandwagon some many times here since I have hit my goal and I am struggling to get back on. I feel like I am at a fork in the road and I know the direction to go but that my thoughts are trying to play games on me and make me go the other way... How do you change your thoughts? How do I get my eyes to see the new me in the mirror? I have tried so hard to be strong and be confidnet, I take pride in myself, I give myself compliments but all that ended up giving me is people calling me stuck up, concided, a one upper... And hearing those things just knocks me down again... I am not trying to be better than anyone else except for the person I still see in the mirror.


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