Friday, February 11, 2011

Blaming the wrong person for to long

I wrote awhile back about how one day I would write about 2 of the biggest reasons for my weight gain roller coaster I was on… well today is one of those days! Just a fair warning, this is very emotional for me, but I have realized that part of my new weight loss journey has been to let go of all the past hurt and all of the negative energy.
                As a little girl, you are supposed to look up to your Dad and put him on a peddle stood and know that no other man could ever live up to him because he is the King of Kings in your world. Well, that wasn’t how my life was at all, not even close.  I had the type of “father” that felt the need to put you down in order for him to feel better about himself. I don’t know why he was this way either, his parents and siblings were and are some of the most caring people I have ever met. As a young child (up until about the age of 10ish) I was an average kid, wasn’t over weight really at all. Age 11 came and boom, I started to gain, partly because I was an emotional eater and couldn’t stop myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I just continued to gain weight…
                All I wanted more than anything in the world was for my “dad” to look me in my eyes and tell me he loved me and tell me that no matter what I looked like, no matter what I did, that he was proud of me and that he loved me for me. That never happened and I doubt it ever will happen (which I have come to terms with now, but as a teen I struggled with). In high school, I came up with this silly idea that if I lost weight, my “dad” would love me. If I could look like those girls he was chasing in the bars every weekend, he would want to spend time with me. I became a cheerleader for many reasons, but one of those reasons was that being a cheerleader meant you were “hot shit” and well my “dad” had to love me then, right? Wrong! I can’t tell you how many games I invited him to, and never did he show up to one of them. The years passed and prom was right around the corner, I was living with my Papa (my “dad’s” Dad) and one day my “dad” was over and my Papa brought up the fact that I still didn’t have a prom dress and that my “dad” needed to step up and buy me one. Instead of just handing me money  to go get a dress, or coming along to help me pick one out, he told me that the only way he would give me money would be to lose weight ($100 for every 10 pounds I dropped)… This threw me into a mixed stage of wanting to lose weight but also being so hurt that I fell back on my emotional eating roller coaster and ended up gaining weight… I ended up buying my own dress!
                I am not blaming my “dad” for my weight gain at all, but he surely never helped stop it in a healthy way. All I ever strived for was his approval, one of the easiest things a parent can give a child and he just could never do that for me. As a parent now, I could never imagine not being proud of Caleb, not loving Caleb because of his weight or what he looks like. I have forgiven my “dad” for all the damage he has done in my life, and I am now looking at it as God was using him as an example of what kind of parent NOT to be to Caleb.
                For so long I held my “dad” and all the dumb guys who haven’t approved me because of my weight (I will blog about them later) semi-responsible for my weight gain. But I know now, they weren’t the reason at all; I was pointing the finger at them because I didn’t want to have to point it at the true person who was to blame, myself.
                What I want you to understand from this blog is that you are responsible for who you are right now and who you will become in the future. People help us down our journey but at the end of the day you are the one making the decisions. Stop using other people, sickness, and anything else you are using as a crutch. If you want a change bad enough, you won’t let those things stand in your way any longer.  You may be weak when you 1st start to change for yourself and no one else, but just remember if you keep pressing on that weakness will turn into strength!


  1. OMG Jordan you have me bawling reading this. Im so proud of you. I have known you about a lil over two years nd you have changed so much. You are more confident. You walk with your head up now instead of down. You can please people everywhere you . YOU ARE AMAZING and I love you. The struggles you went thru as a child made you the person you are today and awesome mother. Keep up the good work and dont let anybody bring you down xoxoxoxo

  2. Jordan you are a PHENOMENAL woman my friend, and you did that all on your OWN! you are not only doing an amazing job at improving your already incredible self, but you are a huge inspiration for others going that same path. You are an unstoppable force and i feel blessed to have met you because you are inspiring ME my friend! :)