Monday, March 14, 2016

Its okay to not be okay....

If you have followed my blog for a while, you will know that I have dealt with depression on a few different occasions. Today while I was driving into work a song came on and the first line was "its okay to not be okay..." and it really struck a chord in my heart. This is something I am learning this journey and really trying to apply it to my life on a daily basis.

The first time I lost weight, I did it mainly out of revenge towards a few guys AND for Caleb... it wasn't for myself and I only paid attention to the physical side of losing weight, I totally neglected the mental side of it. Then I blew my knee out and had to have reconstructive knee surgery. I fell into a deep dark pit of depression. I went from running all the time and constantly dropping weight, to being bed ridden and gaining weight like nobody's business. I felt defeated and I felt like a loser. I numbed the pain with food which in all reality was making me even more depressed because the food was causing me to gain the weight... but the food made me numb and I longed to be numb and not feel the hatred I had for myself. I kept denying that I was depressed and tried to fake it until I made it. I wasn't good at it at all. I had just started dating Casey and he could tell... if he could tell, you know it had to be bad. I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't take care of Caleb, and to be honest I didn't want to do either one. I was NOT about to admit to being weak because if I did, I knew it would all come crashing down... even though it already had crashed down and I was carrying it all around on my shoulders daily. It wasn't until Casey and I had a big fight and he decided he needed a break from our relationship, that I realized I needed to pull myself out of this and get my life back on track. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and I needed to start getting back to the life I use to have. I needed to love me again... I wasn't ready to love me again but I did manage to pull myself up enough to admit I had a problem and needed help. Luckily, the break between Casey and I didn't last forever and with his help, I was able to overcome the depression and over time, I was able to start feeling whole again. There wasn't one certain instance that I knew I was out of the depression stage, it was a lot of different little things... one day I stopped crying myself to sleep. One day I stopped numbing the pain with food. One day I decided to tell myself I love myself instead putting myself down... Over time it all added up.

I thought I had a control over it and that I wouldn't ever go through depression like that again. I was SO wrong. July 10th, 2014 happened and everything came crashing down again. Hearing the words "you've lost your baby" isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I think what hit me the most was the YOU HAVE... like it was my fault. I blamed myself. I started hating myself again. I cried myself to sleep. I put myself down. I turned to food to numb the pain. I was to blame and I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. I walked around the next few months in a daze. Every morning I would wake up from a horrible nightmare that never seemed to end, even though I was awake. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to workout. I didn't want to be Caleb's Mom. I didn't want to be Casey's wife. I didn't want to be Jordan. Cake made all of the pain go away so I turned to the sweet cart and would stock up on the sugar. I didn't want to feel anything other than a baby growing inside me. I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about, all I wanted in life. Becoming pregnant with Dax was what saved me from myself. It took 4 months of trying after the miscarriage to conceive Dax and those 4 months felt like a lifetime to me. I was ready to give up and stay in bed forever... then I saw those pink lines and I felt like I had something to live for again. My smile slowly started to come back and I slowly stopped hating myself for losing our baby (it comes and goes, still). Opening up and talking about my miscarriage really helped my depression not be as dark as it really could have been. I am thankful for great friends who related to me and let me know it was okay to be sad, it was okay to be upset, it was okay to be depressed.

I was a silly girl to think that I would never deal with depression again after the first time. Like it was a one time deal that would never come back to haunt me. I wasn't prepared for it the 2nd time and I think if I would have been prepared for it again (not for the miscarriage but for the reality that I am prone to depression) I think I might have been able to overcome it a little bit easier. This journey I am taking now with my weight loss is so much more than just losing weight. It is me learning how to deal with depression. It is me learning how to love myself no matter what. It is me learning to surround myself with people who love me not matter what. It is me building myself up instead of tearing myself down. It is me eating, moving, speaking and acting like I love myself.
I am not perfect. I have flaws and I have a lot of downs but for every time I fall down, I am learning to pick myself up. I am applying each of those lessons to my life and if I ever deal with depression again, which I probably will, I hope that I am able to apply these lesson to my life and help the dark time not last as long.

Weight loss is more than just a physical thing, it is VERY mental. The way we see ourselves, the way we talk about ourselves, the way we think about ourselves. If you don't get a hold on that, you can lose all the weight you want but the transformation will never be complete. This 3rd journey to lose this 100 pounds (plus) is the one that is going to change it all for me. I am learning how to deal with it mentally and not just physically. I am doing it for ME and for no one else.

*If you suffer from depression, please seek help. If its not from a doctor, please find someone in your life to talk to. I promise that it does get easier and it doesn't always have to be dark in your life. Once you start loving yourself and letting the light back in, things will start to turn around and you will be able to breathe again. I love you and want you to know that you are worth it and you deserve all the good in your life... never forget that! And mostly know that "Its okay to not be okay!"



  1. I love the honesty of this post. I can totally relate as I have felt many of these things. Thanks for posting this. ❤️

  2. As a nurse who works with people dealing with mental illness....thank you! Thabks for being so honest and putting your story out there.

  3. beautiful and your story is my story, thank you for being so honest!

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