Thursday, June 2, 2016

My Abusive Relationship

Since running into my ex fiance earlier this week, I have had a lot of people reach out to me with support, sweet words, questions, etc... so I am taking to my blog to share my side of the story (after all there are always 2 sides to every story). 

I was 18 years old and longing for attention from a guy. My real dad wasn't really present in my life up to that point so I had this hole in my heart that I so desperately felt like I needed filled. I met guys but they really only ever wanted one thing and one thing only. Was that love? Hell No, but I fooled myself into believing it was. There I was fresh out of high school and at the heaviest I have ever been in my life... just searching for my prince! 

Then I met Bob. 

He was a guy who said what was on his mind no matter whose feelings it hurt. It was brutal, but at times I really liked his honesty. You know, the times that it wasn't directed to me. I have always been an emotional eater, so when he would be honest with me about how he was feeling, I would turn to food to comfort me. I never felt good enough for him but I stayed with him because I loved the attention he would give me, and after all attention was what I was longing for. 

He introduced me to his mom and his friends and made me a part of his world. I loved having a boyfriend, at least the idea of it. His mom was wonderful and very sweet to me. Anytime we would be hanging out at the house  (Bob lived with her still) and we would start fighting, she would take my side and help defend me. She was probably the reason I stuck around as long as I did. Bob was an only child and she loved having a girl around that she could spoil like a daughter and with me coming from a BIG family, I loved the attention of being in a smaller family. 

After the new wore off the relationship, Bob decided it was time to get me into shape. His friends had made fun of him for dating a "fatty" and he was so wrapped up in what they thought of him that he had it in his mind to mold me into what he thought was acceptable to his friends. He would force me to go to the gym with him, which made me hate working out even more than I already did. He started weighing me weekly, if I lost weight that week then he would take me out on a date. If I maintained my weight, we would stay in and hang out. If I gained weight, after he was done calling me all of the abusive names you can think of, he would send me home and tell me to go eat a salad or just drink water the rest of the week and then he would go out with his friends. It got so bad that I started making myself throw up after big meals. I didn't want to let him down and I didn't want him to yell at me anymore. I also became addicted to taking laxatives a couple times a week to help get rid of some of my water weight. No matter what I did, my heart really wasn't in it and I wasn't doing it for myself... I was doing it for him and so he wouldn't be ashamed of me anymore. 

One night we went on a double date with my then best friend and he boyfriend. We met up at Olive Garden and started to look at the menu...Bob told me on our way into the restaurant that I needed to eat a house salad with no dressing and skip the bread sticks because my inner tube (my stomach) was hanging over my pants. I started looking at the menu and Bob instantly smacked it out of my hands. My best friends was shocked and her boyfriend was too, you could see it on their faces. When the waitress came to take our drink orders I sat there quietly and Bob ordered me water. Then she came back to take our meal orders and bring the bread and salad. By this time I was pouting (his words not mine) and I was totally embarrassed for how he was treating me that when it was my turn to order, Bob said and I quote "I will have the tour of Italy and you can bring her a pacifier!" 

My best friends boyfriend told me to get whatever I wanted and for him to screw off (all while the waitress was still right there) and I declined and said I didn't bring my wallet, the boyfriend offered to pay and Bob chimed in "if you eat anything other than a salad with no dressing, I am leaving your fat ass here..." That ended the night and we all got up and left right then and there. The boyfriends was trying to fight Bob but us girls pulled them away and we went our separate ways. They tried to talk me into going home with them but Bob had this hold on me, so I went home with him. 

Bob and I dated for 2 1/2 years and broke up a total of 22 times. Why did I go back each time? He broke down my confidence so much that I was this empty shell. I was scared to death to be alone and Bob had me believing that no one else would want me. He referenced the fact that my own Dad wasn't even present in my life and that if my own Dad doesn't want me, who else would. The little bit of confidence I had going into this relationship was torn to shreds and nothing was left... He was in full control and I belonged to him. I hate admitting that, but at that time in my life it was true. I gave up friendships, my morals, and myself to be with him and he knew no matter how badly he treated me, I wasn't going anywhere.

He finally proposed to me and we were engaged for about 6 months. I had gone dress shopping, found a venue and was living out my wedding fantasy... it didn't matter that I was marrying the worst guy possible because all that matter was I was going to have a wedding and be a bride. 6 months later, I found out that he cheated on me and it was the last straw. Something broke inside of me and I was finally able to cut the ties between the 2 of us... 

It took a LONG time for me to find myself again. A VERY LONG TIME! It wasn't until a few months/year before I met Casey that I truly loved myself again. That I decided I would never change for a guy again. Then I met Casey! A wonderful, loving man who never asked me to change who I was, who instead embraced who I was and encouraged me to be the best version of myself. He has loved me at 160 pounds, 200 pounds, 280 pounds, through a miscarriage, through knee surgery and recovery, through a pregnancy, through hormonal changes after my pregnancy, through learning to go from being a single parent to a double parent household and the list can go on and on... 

I do have to say, being with Bob taught me to really appreciate the love Casey has for me. It is a love like no other and I am so thankful that God saved me from making a horrible mistake by marrying Bob and instead made me wait for the man he created for me... Casey! 


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